#26 Hostage!

Another book with an exclamation point in the title! We all know what that exclamation point means-this book is gonna be packed with action and adventure. I'm dying of excitement. Truly.

Let's begin with the festive cover. It appears that Regina is being held hostage. It took me a few hours of careful study to come to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. I bet you can't guess who's going to come to Regina's rescue (hint: her name starts with an Eliz and ends with abeth).

For those of you who aren't in the SVH loop, Regina Morrow is the beautiful (but NOT as beautiful as the Wakefields-and don't you forget it!) deaf girl who's dating Bruce Patman. Bruce used to be a class A jerkwad and date rapist extraordinaire, but Regina's love changed him.

 Regina is supposed to be in Switzerland undergoing a "special treatment" to restore her hearing-but wait-she's back in Sweet Valley! Random character Eddie Strong was making a delivery to her home and he saw her. Per usual, Eddie told our dear Elizabeth that he saw Regina (No one can breathe in this town without telling Liz about it). Liz wonders why Regina hasn't contacted her, and when she learns that Bruce hasn't heard from her either, she gets worried.

Bruce and Liz try to go see Regina, but a mean looking lady answers the door. She claims to be Regina's aunt and refuses to let them see Regina. According to Bruce, neither of Regina's parents have siblings...so something's not right. Good old Liz actually does the reasonable thing and contacts the police. Jessica thinks Liz is overreacting-until the cops call back and say that they didn't find anything suspicious. Then suddenly Jessica decides that Liz is right, something suspicious is going on! And who better to solve the case than the Wakefield twins (and Bruce)?

Thankfully, we don't have to wait for the twins and Bruce to find out what's going on.
Cut to Regina. She's scared, and yes, she's being held Hostage! Apparently Regina's dad has been working for years on some computer chip prototype thingy and it's worth tons of cash. A "mean looking" man and a woman named Claire want that prototype, and have a pretty solid plan to get it. They tricked Regina into going to the airport, and kidnapped her from there. They're going to force her dad to call the plant manager and tell him to give the chip to Regina. Brother Nicholas is visiting someone in San Francisco and has no idea that anything weird is going on. I'm not clear on why they didn't kidnap him too. He is annoying as hell though, so maybe that's why.

Once they get the chip...well I guess they'll sell it? Would that work though..I mean if they let the family go wouldn't the dad press charges...or something? Wouldn't there be a very small selection of companies/people to sell a computer chip to? The average person isn't gonna pay big bucks for some prototype. It's not like you can pawn something like that. Maybe this plan isn't all that solid. And maybe I'm just wayyy over thinking this.

Our group of amateur detectives come up with a plan to contact Regina. Bruce disguises himself as a delivery boy for groceries, or something, and they put a note to Regina inside of a magazine. Regina thinks "If anyone could save her and her parents, it would be those three". Right. Gotta say, if my life depended on Bruce and the Wakefield twins...well I wouldn't be so optimistic.
 Regina writes back, tossing the letter out the window for them to find. Bruce and the twins sneak out (Well, they don't really sneak out. Bruce's parents are outta town, and the Wakefield parents are too oblivious to notice anything) that night and get the letter.

Regina tells them the whole terrifying story and instructs them not to call the police. Basically she's expecting three high school kids to rescue her entire family from dangerous criminals. No pressure! She mentions that she overheard a phone convo between the two kidnappers, and Claire said "money is heaven". They suspect that it's some kind of code. Mysterious!  They call Nicholas and tell him that he has to get back to Sweet Valley ASAP. Couldn't we just leave Nicholas out of this? Dammit.

Nic and Liz go to the house to spy on Regina's captors or something. How interesting that even in this perilous situation, Nic finds a way to be alone with Liz. He really is obsessed with her. Must be those "California good looks". Gag. He kisses her when one of the kidnappers drives by, so the kidnapper will think they're just a couple making out and not get suspicious. Riiggghht. Uh-huh. I'm on to you, Nic.

Nic recognizes one of the criminals as a man named Phillip Denson. He doesn't say much about Phil except "that guy's a mess". I guess that's one way to describe a kidnapper/thief. After a little more sleuthing, we find out that Regina's parents are being held at Phil's house. The Morrow's are understandably scared and angry. Skye Morrow (I've always wanted a cool name like Skye! My parents really dropped the ball on that one.) even describes Phil as "a mean little man with grandiose ideas." I would have stronger words for someone who KIDNAPPED me, but perhaps I'm just dramatic.

Jessica figures out the "money is heaven" code- it's Monday at seven! Meaning that the whole using Regina to pick up the computer chip prototype plan will happen then. Jessica credits her mystery solving skills to reading a lot of mystery novels. So if I read enough Nancy Drew, I can achieve my dream of being a private investigator? Yes!

Now they just have to figure out what to do on Monday at seven. Elizabeth's plan is for Bruce and Jessica to go to Phil's house and rescue the Morrows at seven, since Claire will be at the plant with Regina getting the chip. Liz and Nic will go to the plant (funny how Nic and Elizabeth always end up alone together in these plans) and Liz will distract Claire while Nic calls the police. I must admit, it's a better plan than I could come up with. The second I found out my friend was being held hostage, I'd probably just freak out and cry like a two year old. I'm not so good in emergency situations...

One problem with the plan-they don't know where Phil will be during all of this. I would assume Phil would be waiting outside of the plant, or at his house making sure the Morrows don't escape..I mean duh. Where else would he be at a time like that, clubbing? The beach? Then again..this is SVH. So these things are possible. They decide to have Jessica use her flirting powers to get the info out of Phil's son, Mitch.

Then they all go to the beach and talk about Ken Matthews. It wouldn't be an SVH book without a beach trip and some gossip! Ken is failing English and might get kicked off of the football team because of it. The team needs Ken to win the upcoming big game! Si tragique! 

This is clearly earth shattering news, but we still have the whole hostage thing going on..so let's get back to that, shall we? We finally learn what Phil is going to do when he gets the chip. He apparently has a man in Rio de Janerio who's gonna pay him boatloads of money for it. I'm not going to think too much into this, or I'll get a headache. (It happens every time I try to analyze SVH plots too much. I call it the "SVHeadache." I know, I really should be in medical school.) When Mr. Morrow asks what Phil's planning to do to them after he gets the chip, he advises them not to worry about it. Well, that's reassuring.

Jessica goes to Phil's place and flirts with Mitch, telling him that she's coming over Monday night. Mitch hesitates, but ultimately, Jessica's hot blonde flirting powers are too much for him to resist.

Jessica shows up that night with Bruce is waiting in the car nearby, ready to ambush the Phil and save the Morrows. Things don't go quite as planned, and before we know it, Phil is pointing his gun at Bruce, Jessica and the Morrows. Oops! Mitch, presumably driven by his lust for Jessica, lunges at his dad and knocks the gun out of his hands. The four of them escape to the car and rush to the plant, where Liz and Nicholas are waiting for Regina and Claire to come out.

Once they come out, Elizabeth desperately tries to distract Claire while Nic calls the cops. Before the police can get there, Jessica, Bruce, the Morrows and Phil all show up. Party time! Except not really, 'cause Phil is furious and ready to kill everyone. But not before he tells us why he's so angry with the Morrows! Five years ago, Kurt Morrow had Phil arrested for stealing from the company. Phil went to jail, lost his wife, and couldn't get another job. Like most people in this situation, Phil realized the most reasonable thing to do was to hold his ex-boss's family hostage and steal a valuable computer chip.

Phil intends to kill the everyone and run off with Claire and the chip, but the time he took to tell his sob story was just long enough for the cops to get there and arrest him. Everyone is saved and I'm just so relieved! They celebrate by picking up pizzas at Guido's and planning a party. Is that what real people do after a traumatic event like that? If I had just gone through all of that, I would need a strong drink, not a damn pizza.

At the party, we get a little intro into the next book Lovestruck. Basically Ken is dating some snotty chick named Suzanne (no, not this Suzanne) and she doesn't care about his budding football career. They're totally mismatched and for some reason this is the entire school's business. Can't wait to read alllllll about it!

So, you ask, what is the moral of this story? If you fire an employee for embezzling, watch your back. He might kidnap you and your family. But if you are kidnapped, don't get the cops involved, get some high schoolers to save you.

Seems legit!

#23 Say Goodbye

This cover isn't too bad. Granted, Todd and Elizabeth both have majorly poufy hair, but hey it was the 80's!

It's happening. The tragic, the inevitable, the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to Sweet Valley!

Todd is moving to Vermont 'sobs'.

Okay, you got me. I don't really care. Actually, I'm pretty thrilled because it means there will be no Liz and Todd drama in the upcoming books! Woohoo! This book should have been annoying, (A whole book about Elizabeth missing Todd? Barf.) It wasn't, thanks to Jessica's disastrous matchmaking efforts.

Now, Jessica is often attempting to play matchmaker, (or couple breaker-upper), but this time, she's a professional. Yes, dear readers, our selfish Jessica got a job! Jess ran up a $100 bill at Lisette's, and amazingly the Wakefield parents make her to get a job to pay for it. Hell has officially frozen over! Jess gets a job at a matchmaking company, answering phones...but we know that's not all she's going to do! (Where can I get a job like this? )

So Todd leaves, and Liz is a total mess. She writes to him every day and spends all of her free time pining over him and waiting for him to call. Everyone from Enid to her parents discourage her from having a long distance relationship with Todd, but she refuses to listen. It's almost enough to actually make me feel bad for Liz....almost. The important part is, Todd is gone! If I had more than one friend, I'd throw a party to celebrate.

Jessica is having her own problems though. And by problems, I mean that Jessica has a problem with Steve not dating anyone, and Liz moping over Todd. How dare they not go on dates with different people every weekend? The absolute nerve!

Jessica sets out to solve these troubling issues in the only way Jessica can, by scheming and sneaking around. When her boss steps out, Jess sneaks into her private office and starts going through all of the dating profiles to find the perfect woman for Steve, until her boss catches her. Does the boss fire her? Reprimand her? Oh no, of course not. The incredibly understanding boss actually gives Jess the keys to the office and invites her to look through the profiles anytime she wants. (seriously, how can I get this job?!)

Lucky Steven! Now our dear Jessica can find the perfect woman for him. Except Steven does not want her help-at all. He makes that pretty clear early in the book:
"Do me a favor, Jess. Don't help me again! I'm probably better off on my own."
Jessica completely ignores this, thinking to herself:
"He's so good looking"
Jessica decides that super hot Steve doesn't know what's good for him, and that by "don't help me", he meant "please Jessica, help me find a date!"

But wait, Liz needs Jess's help too! Jessica starts talking to Nicholas Morrow (you may remember him as the guy that guilted Liz into going on a date with him) Jess convinces Nic that Liz needs someone new in her life, and that new person is him! She compares Liz's love of Todd to smoking, telling Nic: "She got really dependent on him, and now she's having withdrawal symptoms"
Trust me Jess, cigarettes are much more exciting than Todd Wilkins.

Jessica even enlists the help of Mr. Collins, convincing him to give Liz an assignment to write a story on the upcoming sailing competition-which Nicholas is going to be competing in! With Jessica's encouragement, Nicholas calls Liz and offers her a ride to the competition. Elizabeth agrees, telling herself that Nic doesn't like her like that anymore, and that it's just a friendly gesture. Right.

This "friendly gesture" quickly turns romantic when Nicholas tells Liz that his boat has two names: the public name, Seabird and the private name, My favorite twin.
Gee, don't come on too strong or anything, Nic.

Liz is both uncomfortable and intrigued. Is Jessica's plan actually working? Guess so, because Liz agrees to go to a BBQ for Nic's cousin, Jeffrey. Jess "considered falling in love with him for a wild moment", but decided against it because Jeffrey is not rich. You dodged a bullet, Jeff!

Jess's plan is definitely not working with Steve, possibly because she picked a random 43 year old woman and didn't tell Steve that she was setting him up. She tells this poor woman that Steve was chosen for her by the matchmaking service, and instructs her to call Steve. Steve is totally confused and declines going on a date with her. This doesn't deter Jessica, who finds another woman from the matchmaking service, and tells her to show up at their house on Saturday.

How desperate are these women? If a matchmaking service told me to show up at some random guy's house without even speaking to him beforehand...well I might say yes, because I'm pretty desperate right now.

But let's get back to Elizabeth's dilemma. Despite all of the obvious signs that Nicholas wants more, Liz somehow convinces herself that he just wants to be friends. She even goes to a movie with him, and he kisses her after! Gasp, what would Todd think?! Well, being the doormat that he is, Todd would probably think "It's ok, I'll take you back".

Liz isn't sure about seeing Nicholas again, until Todd suddenly stops calling and writing for a week. After only a week, yes a week, of not hearing from Todd, Liz decides to start dating Nicholas. Jess is already fantasizing about what will happen when Liz and Nic get together, picturing the Morrow family naming a wing in their house "the Jessica wing" after her. Because people name things after you when you set them up with the amazing Elizabeth Wakefield.

But why did Todd disappear? You know this has something, (okay, everything), to do with Jessica! Jess answers the phone one day when Todd calls, and literally cries about how depressed Liz is, how she never leaves her room and is slacking on her schoolwork. Todd feels horrible and decides to back off. So instead of talking it over with Liz, he just ignores her. Smart.

Why does anyone in SVH still trust Jessica?! She's been proven to be a liar time and time again. Really, were they all dropped on their heads as babies?

Speaking of stupidity, the woman from the matchmaking service shows up at the house-and SHOCKER, Steven is not interested! Steve finds out that she's from the matchmaking service, that Jess works at, and is super angry. Naturally, Jessica's reaction is to set Steve up with one more woman from the agency, Melissa . Buttt when she tries to badger this woman into dating Steve, her response is " I've decided I prefer food to men." Good move, Melissa.

Don't worry too much about Steve's love life though (I know it was your top concern). Steve runs into Cara Walker when she's stuck with a flat tire on the highway. He helps her out, takes her to coffee after, and sparks fly! Cara's parents are getting divorced, and that has apparently made her less shallow and more appealing to Steve. Now I can rest easy, knowing that Steve will love again.

However, Betsy (you may remember her from Promises) is not pleased with this. She sees Steve with Cara at Lila's party, (did I mention there was a party? Well, there is.), and gets angry. She's pissed that Steve has "the nerve to carry on with someone else so soon after Trish". Hey, at least he waited a good 11 books to start dating again after Tricia's death. I mean, has she seen how quickly everyone else in SVH moves on from relationships???

As for Todd and Liz, Todd is back in town, (damn, already?), for the weekend. Todd's going to Lila's party to talk to Elizabeth. Problem is, Liz is going to the party with Nicholas! Uh oh! Liz wants to break things off with Nic because she still loves Todd, but she figures it would be best to do it after the party. After all, parties are SO rare in Sweet Valley, and she wouldn't want to mess up this party for Nic! As you may have guessed, things go bad. Todd walks in to see Liz slow-dancing with Nicholas and resting her head on his shoulder. The second she sees Todd, Liz pushes Nic away and runs after him. I'd feel bad for Nicholas, but I'm still not over how annoying he was in this book. No sympathy for you, Nic!

Todd stomps away and Liz has a major emotional breakdown. Elizabeth finds Todd, and
they have yet another sappy reunion-well kind of. They agree that they're still in love, but that they can't maintain the long-distance thing. Good, now we can stop hearing about Todd for the next few books. Dreams do come true!

We wrap up the book with Lila telling the twins that Betsy made a scene at her party. Former town tramp Betsy went up to Steve and Cara and freaked out, accusing him of forgetting about Tricia. Will Betsy stand in the way of Steve and Cara's budding love story?!? I'm dying to find out, and I know you are too!

Moral? If your boyfriend moves to Vermont, don't even bother with the long distance thing-especially if your boyfriend is anywhere near as dull as Todd Wilkins,
Don't use your matchmaking job to set your brother up with random women!
Good, solid life lessons. Thanks again, Sweet Valley!

SVH #22 Too much in love

Well Bill and DeeDee look...mature for sixteen. Did anyone ever think to make the teens on the covers look like, I don't know teens? Me and my crazy ideas! Also, Bill looks like a pompous ass and DeeDee looks like a desperate wreck. I'm thinking that's going to set the tone for this book...

We start this great American novel with the usual "sun-streaked blonde hair" and "sparkling blue-green eyes" spiel and Ned announcing that he and Alice are going to Mexico to pick up documents from a lawyer. Clearly it's impossible for someone to mail something from Mexico to California. Impossible, I tell you!

Alice makes a point of telling the twins that she has some very important papers she has on her desk in the study. These papers are plans for some interior designer project and they cannot be replaced. So you know something bad is going to happen to those papers.

SVH is having a talent show soon, and Elizabeth is involved in planning it, (surprise, surprise). Liz calls up DeeDee Gordon to ask her to be in charge of designing the sets. Like all SVH books that feature minor characters in the main story, we need some kind of connection between the twins and said minor character. DeeDee acts kind of weird and says she needs to ask Bill before she commits to it. Liz spends about a page and a half fretting over DeeDee, wondering if she's alright, because Liz is the sensitive, caring twin dammit! And don't you ever forget that! (I may have had a bit too much caffeine this morning)

Speaking of acting weird, Todd is also behaving strangely. Now why would that be? If you've read
this , you already know.

Being a psychic, I know exactly what you're thinking. Why is DeeDee acting strange? What's going on? The suspense is killing me! Fear not, on the next page we start to find out. DeeDee shows up at Bill's house unexpectedly, and horror of horrors, he's at the library! Without her! But it's not just that incident. DeeDee has felt Bill pulling away from her for the past few weeks. It terrifies her because her parents got divorced, and according to her mother the divorce was caused by them not spending enough time together. DeeDee vows that this will not happen to her relationship with Bill.
And I quote: "Bill needs to see how much I depend on him, how much I need to be with him. Once he see's that, he'll never leave me"

Bad idea DeeDee. Not that I would know, from experience, or anything.....

We also learn, (in a convo with her BFF, Patty Gilbert), that DeeDee has given up the design classes she was taking. She doesn't want anything to interfere with her precious Bill time. She wonders to herself why Patty, who is independent and outgoing, is still friends with her. I want to make fun of Dee, (and rest assured, I will) , but I gotta say, I feel bad for her. I've been that clingy girlfriend, and it is not a good time. But enough about my problems, because....

..Jessica Wakefield is planning a party! And who cares about my issues when a party is about to happen in Sweet Valley?!? Liz is aghast at the idea- Jessica wants to have a party when their parents are gone? Who woulda thought???!? I can't wait! SVH parties are the only parties I get invited to, so I am beyond excited.

Meanwhile, DeeDee continues to be a clingmonster ,(it's a medical term), and Bill is more and more turned off. She follows him everywhere, and acts more like an obsessed stalker than girlfriend. Like many SVH books, it is almost painful to read, and I am embarrassed for her. Poor Bill is totally confused and wonders what happened to his formerly cool girlfriend. He agrees to go to a movie with Dana Larson (just as friends), and decides not to tell DeeDee because he knows she'll freak out. This is not going to end well.

Back to the party!!!! (Can you feel my excitement?) Jessica enlists none other than Lila Fowler's help with party planning, and Lila is full of great suggestions, such as inviting college frat guys. Inviting frat boys to your house is always a fabulous idea. Thanks, Lila! Jess agrees and imagines meeting the man of her dreams "handsome, rich, with a gorgeous car". Not just a nice car, but a gorgeous car. Reach for the stars, Jess.

In preparation for the party, Jessica attempts to make mini pizzas and wash the bed sheets, resulting in a fire in the kitchen and a broken washing machine. Any guesses as to why she needed to wash the bed sheets for a party? I can think of a few, but I'm trying to keep this blog PG. (ok, maybe PG-13)

In the midst of all of this exciting party planning, Jess runs into Bill and Dana Larson leaving the movie theater and practically jumps for joy. Finally, a chance to get back at DeeDee for what happened in this book ! Jess casually lets it slip to Dee that Bill was out with another girl, and of course DeeDee flips out. She corners Bill, and Bill responds by breaking up with her. Bet you didn't see that coming!

The break up is utterly devastating. I cried, I sobbed, I called in sick to work. That's how hard it hit me. Dee takes it better than I did, and after one attempt to get back together with Bill, she begins to heal and regain her self-esteem. She has an epiphany of sorts, and realizes how crazy she's been acting. She finally gets all the way back to normal thanks to Patty's scheming (for once, Jessica is not the one scheming! How novel.) Patty, with Elizabeth's help, cooks up a plan to force DeeDee to become independent again. Basically, Liz fakes sick so DeeDee is forced to take control of the talent show. This plan totally works and DeeDee's confidence comes back. In typical Sweet Valley fashion, DeeDee's issues are totally resolved within days.

Now that DeeDee is okay, it's time to party!! Yes, the party we (I), have been waiting for is finally here.

Brief summary: 19 frat guys show up, and SHOCKER, they bring beer! Frat guys bringing beer to a party? So odd. Some random Pi Beta sorority sister gets drunk, beer is spilled on Alice's important papers (I told you something would happen to the papers! Psychic.) The neighbors call the cops, and Jessica is about to be taken down to the station, when big bro Steve shows up and saves the day. So all in all, a good party! I know I had a great time.

Jessica swallows her pride and goes to the artistic DeeDee to help her fix Alice's papers. She even apologizes to DeeDee for telling her about Bill and Dana-and get this,-it's a genuine apology! Don't get too worried, I'm sure Jessica's trademark selfishness will be back in the next book. DeeDee saves the day by somehow copying Alice's design perfectly, and Elizabeth tells Dee about she and Patty's deceptive plan to make her take over the talent show. DeeDee doesn't get mad and they all share a hearty laugh. How nice.

But, wait! Alice and Ned are coming home early! Now there's no time to replace the broken vase! Jessica is forced to come clean about the party, the broken washing machine, and fire in the kitchen. Alice and Ned respond by grounding her for a month and giving her a stern lecture.

Haha, just kidding, no. They don't do a damn thing. Ned figures that Jess "has probably punished herself enough" and they drop it. No punishment whatsoever, except Jess has to pay to replace the vase. Note that any money Jessica has comes from her allowance...which comes from her parents. So Alice and Ned are essentially paying to replace the vase. Genius parenting. Now I see why Jessica is such a well-rounded, responsible young lady.

Oh, you thought this was over? Not yet! We still have the talent show! The talent show goes off without a hitch, and Bill even asks DeeDee if they can rekindle their relationship. Dee agrees, but tells Bill that they have to take it slow. But wait!  The talent show isn't over just yet! Todd gets onstage and recites a depressing poem. Elizabeth knows now that something is definitely wrong, and Todd breaks the bad news: he's moving to Vermont! I'm heartbroken, really, I am. More on Todd's tragic news in our next story, #23 Say Goodbye.

Moral of the story: don't drop everything you care about to focus on a relationship. Being super clingy and not having your own interests is a major turn-off, and you should never be fully emotionally dependent on another person. Wow...that is actually a pretty good lesson. Well done, ghostwriter.

Checking in

Don't worry , I haven't abandoned the blog! (again). I have just been busy with the holidays and I will be doing my next glorious recap soon! The next recap is going to be Too much in love, which I have never read..so I look forward to reading about Bill and Dee Dee's relationship drama! I'm guessing that Elizabeth will intervene somehow, and Jessica will probably be in the B plot or making things worse for Bill and Dee Dee somehow. Psychic!

Special Christmas

It's almost Christmas, so I'm doing this book a little early (actually I just don't have the next book, Too Much in Love yet, and I'm bored. Shhh.).

Jessica appears to be doing some type of dance while squinting one eye, and the color of her shirt is a really icky shade of pink. Elizabeth has her standard barrettes, and both twins have these odd half-surprised, half stoned looks on their faces.
This is the first of many Christmas-times to come in SVH (and they're all in one junior year, in typical time-is-irrelevant SVH fashion). This Super Special takes place a few months after Todd has moved to Vermont (Say Goodbye ) and Todd is coming back to visit all of his friends and Liz for the holidays. For some reason, Elizabeth has to make herself a nervous wreck over "where she and Todd stand" and what to get him for Christmas. Gosh, even when we think Todd is gone, they find some way to include Liz and Todd drama.

But there's really no reason to even bother with the tired Elizabeth and Todd Saga, because the real excitement is the news that Alice and Ted drop on their kids before Christmas break starts...
Suzanne Devlin is spending vacation with them!

For those who don't know who Suzanne is, she is the gorgeous daughter of some random rich friends of Ned and Alice that live in New York. Last time she came for a visit, she falsely accused Mr. Collins of sexually assaulting her, stole Elizabeth's lavaliere necklace, and was just all-around super fake bitch in Too Good To Be True.

When they get the news that the she-devil is back, Steve, Jess and even doormat Liz are all against her coming, and loudly object. The only excuse Ned and Alice have is that "she insisted". But there seems to be something more about Suzanne's visit then they are letting on.

The three of them dub themselves the "terrible trio" (SO lame) and start thinking of ways to keep Suzanne from coming and ruining their vacation. As if they don't get enough vacations. First plan is to have Elizabeth call Suzanne and try to convince her not to go. Suzy absolutely insists on coming out there and making things right, and gushes about how sorry she is, so that plan's a big fail.

The "terrible trio" comes up with another plan, they'll run Suzy out of town! And how will they do this, you ask? Simple, act like assholes towards her and ignore her until she realizes how unwelcome she is and leaves. Liz wimps out pretty quickly when she notices that Suzy seems sick, and is civil to her.
Jessica enlists the help of Aaron Dallas and others to torment Suzanne with mean "presents", such as notes with the letters all cut out from newspapers saying "SUZY DEVLIN GO HOME". Geez, guess she really rubbed some people the wrong way.

Jessica was in New York visiting the Devlins (and trying to steal Suzanne's boyfriend at the time, with bad results) during Suzanne's visit and never met her, but heard everything that happened while she was gone. Never mind that in the end of Too Good To Be True, Liz tells Jess nothing about what happened. Guess someone told her, 'cause even though she's never met the girl, she already hates her and is ready to make her time in Sweet Valley hell.

There's a dumb little side-story with all of SVH doing this "secret Santa" thing.  I've never heard of an entire school doing this. Maybe a class, but the whole school? Anyway, this results in some pretty lame displays and gifts, such as Enid's secret Santa Bill Chase having the whole swim team, (including himself), serenade her at the Dairi Burger. Or one of Lila's gifts, an issue of vogue with a ribbon around it left on her doorstep.

Oh, and Jessica is super sure that her secret Santa is sexy exchange student Hans (who?) but it's Winston Eggbert. Haha. Turns out Lila got Hans. Hans is a one hit wonder, never to be seen at SVH again.

A not-so-interesting plot twist, turns out Suzanne and Todd met in Vermont ,(where Todd now lives), when she was on vacation and they hung out for a little while. Todd has asked Suzanne not to say anything to Liz, and he's been acting weird around Suzy since she got there.

Elizabeth can sense that she and Todd aren't the way they used to be, and is ready to accept the end of their relationship. I'm sure we're all ready for that. She confides in good old Enid, and Enid's response is:

"Boy, it's kind of hard to imagine you and Todd having problems. You always seemed like the dream couple to me."
Really, Enid? No, seriously? Is she blind?

Our darling schemer Jess comes up with another plan, this time involving Aaron Dallas. Suzanne had left Aaron a message earlier, saying she wanted to take him out for lunch and apologize for her past behavior. Jessica gets Aaron to call her back and invite her to a fake party at an abandoned address in the middle of nowhere. Jess is sure this will send Suzanne running home. Liz has the standard Elizabeth Wakefield heart-to-heart with Suzanne, decides that old Suzy isn't so bad, and convinces Jess to back off.

 Butttt just as Jessica is about to cancel the Aaron Dallas scheme, she hears Suzanne and Todd chatting on the phone. She decides that Suzy only came out there because she knew Todd would be there, and she's planning to steal him from Liz! Jess is furious, because only she is allowed to steal men from her twin.

So the plan is back on!

Suzy drinks some champagne (!) with Todd and the "terrible trio". She then gets a call from Aaron telling her that she has to drive down to meet him. Suzy hesitates, but ends up taking the Fiat down to what she thinks is a party (or dance, or something? I wasn't paying attention). One minor detail here, Suzanne just happened to start taking a new medication that night. Since her doctor didn't answer her call, she assumes one drink with it is fine. But dun dun dunnn...it's not!

There's a call from the doc and all hell breaks loose. Suzanne can't even have one drink on this new medication or she might DIE! OMG. (side note-is that possible? To die from one drink mixed with a medication? I'm genuinely curious.) The Wakefields rush off to find her, and of course Jess moans about how guilty she feels. Sound familiar? Along the way we learn that Suzanne has Multiple Sclerosis and didn't want anyone to know because then they would feel obligated to forgive her.

We end up at the hospital, where Suzanne is recovering from a car crash brought on by the med and alcohol mixing. Suzy is mostly fine and she gets apologies from the twins and everyone else. Then something big happens-Suzanne doesn't have MS! She actually has some kind of central nerve infection that they mistook for MS. The Sweet Valley swim team sings 'Silent Night' and all is well. I cry tears of joy.

Oh and Todd Like Likes Suzy. And she Like Likes him back! Liz is totally cool with all of this, and everyone's happy. I don't think Todd and Suzanne's romance, (or Suzanne, period) ,are ever mentioned again.

There's also some kind of sorta-B story that ends with Jessica tricking Lila into passing out candy to kids dressed as an Elf (wearing a green trash bag, no less). I can't think of a worse punishment....Jessica is a truly evil person. Oh, the humanity!

Moral of Special Christmas? Christmas comes approximately 25 times a year if you live in Sweet Valley! Also, Christmas is the ideal time to apologize to all of the people you accused of sexual assault, stole from and lied to. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, SVH!

Back from the dead!

Yes the Wide World of Sweet Valley is back! I am determined to finish this important series now that I have the time, because what could be a better use of my free time? Bring on the awful plots, the one-dimensional characters and everything else that embodies Sweet Valley!

All sarcasm aside, I'm genuinely excited to re-start this blog. I truly enjoy the Sweet Valley series and if readers like my re caps, then I'll do ALL of the various spin-offs (yes, that even includes the terrible Senior Year series. I'm a masochist.)

Showdown #19

Lila is way cute on this cover, even though she's wearing a very blah-looking gray sweater.  I wouldn't think a stuck-up rich girl like her would be caught dead in that sweater. Jessica looks kinda worn-out, and for some reason my first thoughts were "crack head" and "cougar" when I saw her.

We're picking up from the last book, where Lila met the mysterious construction worker Jack. She brags to everyone about him, and plans the mandatory Lila-pool-party to show off her new man. Jessica automatically wants him, (because why on earth should she let her best friend have a decent guy? Thats what friends are for.), and starts trying to get her claws into him immediately.

The second Lila leaves them alone for two minutes, Jessica practically forces her phone number down Jack's throat and tells him to call her. Being the faithful type, he calls Jessica up for a date not long after the party. He also schedules a date on a different day with Lila. What a winner! Jess knows he's taking Lila out, but doesn't care once she gets her date with him.

After one date and a bunch of sappy making-out, (he even names a star after her! Omg romantic!), Jessica is in LOVE. And she just knows that he'll get rid of that pest Lila soon and be all hers. And we just know this isn't going to be nearly that simple.

Jess seems to think that because he's charming and went to a prep school on the East Coast, he must be some kind of royalty. She pictures herself being by his side in some stupid royal castle 12 year-old fantasy.

Jack even tells Lila he wants to marry her, and to keep the "engagement" a secret, because "they'd jump on the story in a second". Who "they" is, no one, including Lila, knows. But naturally she assumes that, wow, he must be really important!! She's totally thrilled to be engaged to this sexy mystery man she barely knows. Ah to be sixteen again.

Oh, and money and valuable items keeps disappearing around Jack, he acts strangely when his past is brought up, and sometimes behaves as if he's on drugs. Tons of obvious signs that everyone misses, and as usual Liz notices something isn't right, but doesn't want to think the worst of someone. 'Sigh'
Basically much of the book is just Jack dating both girls, Lila on the weekdays and Jess on the weekends.

Here's the rundown:

Jessica and Lila "OMG Jack I love you!!! You're so amazing, perfect man, together forever lalalala, he must be royalty since he's sooo mysterious!"

Jack (to both of them) "I love you and I named a star after you! We'll never be apart, just don't ask about my past or I'll get all irritated. But don't worry, I've got nothin' bad to hide..."


Jessica " He's gonna dump Lila any second now! Annnny second...."


Elizabeth "Hmmm this guy sounds suspicious, but I'm going to keep out of this until someone is in danger because for once I'm minding my own business."

And you know someone is about to be in danger. And who else but Jessica? She goes out on another date with Jack, and they go back to his apartment (side note- PARENTS? Hellllllo??? You're just fine with your sixteen-year-old in some adult man's apartment? And yes they met and approved of this older man for their teen daughter. Ugggh) Jess finds all kinds of drugs in Jack's bathroom. Weed, "white powder" and pills of all kinds. Sounds like my kinda guy.

Then when she goes to confront him, she finds him digging in her purse. Yes, instead of making some excuse to leave safely, she confronts an unpredictable drug-user in his apartment. Mmmm smart. Jack drops his nice-guy B.S after she calls him a "phony" (the idea!), and things get violent when he starts trying to choke Jessica out.

Of course Liz has already figured out that Jack is a fake, because Nicholas and his friend David know Jack. They tell her the real story about him. His whole family died in a boating accident, and he started doing drugs and making up crazy stories about his life. They all rush to get Jessica (somehow, they know she's at his apartment), after Elizabeth makes a call to Lila and gets his address. Lila seems more annoyed about Jess trying to sneak behind her back with Jack then anything else.

You know the rest, Elizabeth and friends get there just in the nick of time to save Jessica, and give her most of the credit for saving herself, even calling her a "heroine". Um, ok. Jack goes to jail, and the worst parents ever, (Ned and Alice), wax on about how they think a "troubled boy like that" needs counseling, not jail. How about you two just don't give advice?

Sub-plot is Elizabeth catching Enid's boyfriend George in an embrace with former fatso Robin Wilson. Turns out they fell in love during flying school, and they have this whole sob story for Liz about how they didn't mean to fall in love and cheat on their respective significant others, it just happened! Liz is a terrible friend, so she agrees to say nothing to Enid until George is ready to tell her. What!?! If I found something like that out, I would tell my best friend right away!

See how all of this goes down in the next book, Crash Landing!

Moral of this lovely story? If a guy is super mysterious, he's probably a drug addict with major issues. What would I do without the dating advice I've gotten from SVH? (Possibly I'd actually get dates, and not sit around recapping SVH books....)

Head Over Heels #18

Bruce is dressed like a grandpa, but he's still pretty hot on this cover, as far as cover drawings go. Regina is cute, but not nearly as amazingly gorgeous as they say she is in the books. But I should expect that by now.
Regina is falling for Bruce hard (you might even say she's "head over heels") and just about all of SVH doesn't approve, because Bruce is a well..a douche.

Todd expresses his concern about this relationship to Liz in a insanely a dorky way:
"I hope the Beast doesn't break the Beauty's heart"
Oh please, as if you and Elizabeth have such a solid thing going.

Lila and Jessica even make a bet over Bruce and Regina. Jessica is sure they'll break up before two weeks, Lila thinks they'll stay together. They don't bet money, because Lila says that her dad thinks betting money is "vulgar". Hmm. Instead, they bet that whoever loses has to write both of their term papers for History class.

Regina's been offered an opportunity to go to Switzerland to get some mysterious, vague-ly described, treatment to cure her deafness. Oh I mentioned she was deaf and reads lips right? She doesn't want to go, because it means she'll be away from Sweet Valley (and Bruce!!!!) for a whole year.

Yes, a boy and friends that she's only known for like two books are much more important then being able to hear. Well, that's sixteen-year-old girl logic for you. Her family is totally frustrated and desperate to get her to go, and because Elizabeth is such a good friend of Regina's (...except Regina and Liz hardly spend any time together at all) Regina's mom Skye confides in her about the whole Switzerland deal. Why do all adults feel they can confide in Liz? Elizabeth agrees Regina has to go ,and promises she'll try to find some way to convince her.

Surprisingly, the family doesn't just rely on Liz to convince Regina. They bring in someone who used to be deaf, and can now hear because of the treatment. His name is Donald Essex, and the family hopes he can get her to agree to the treatments. Regina, on the other hand, is sure her parents will get over this whole not being-deaf-anymore-operation thing soon.

While all of this is going on, Jessica is scheming to break Bruce and Regina up so she's not stuck writing two term papers. (The bet with Lila, remember? Good.) She starts by trying to call Regina. Yes, Jessica attempts to call a deaf person. Guess I can't laugh too much since I'd probably do something just like that.

Jessica knows Bruce is running for some Citizen of the year/student committee crap against Ken Matthews, and decides he's probably dating Regina just to look good so he wins. She manages to plant the seeds of doubt in Regina's head, which works because Bruce never told Regina he was even running. He had wanted to make it a surprise for her, or something like that.

Bruce and Regina get in a big  typical SVH couple's fight and break up for like a whole 3 days. Regina agrees to go to Switzerland since things with Bruce are over. Bruce runs to Elizabeth (OF COURSE) and asks why Regina broke up with him/how to get her back. Once Liz explains the whole Switzerland thing to him, Bruce actually cries.

He does something else totally uncharacteristic and self-less, leaving her a note in her suitcase explaining everything and saying he'll wait for her while she's gone. She finds it on the plane to Switzerland and everything is okay now. And yeah, I'm a little jealous. I mean seriously, where's my romantic letter from Bruce Patman?

Other stuff: There's a carnival coming up to raise money for handicapped kids, and of course Elizabeth and the usual suspects (Olivia, Enid , Todd, etc.) are on the committee to help. Carnival goes as planned and isn't very exciting to read about.

Donald Essex meets Jessica when she goes to poison Regina against Bruce, and she mega-flirts with him. He then sees Liz and Todd later, and acts all familiar and flirty around Liz, totally pissing Todd off and confusing Elizabeth. If either of them had a brain, they might remember that Liz has a flirty twin who very possibly could have already met Donald. Instead they get in yet another Liz and Todd Fight. But don't worry they make up. As if you didn't know.

Since Lila loses the bet (even though Regina and Bruce do technically reunite) she's the one stuck writing both papers. Predictably, she gets a B- on her own paper, and a D on Jessica's. Pretty dumb to trust Lila Fowler to write a good paper for you after losing a bet. You should know more then anyone Jessica! Now Jess may not pass History. Gasp!

And last but not least, Lila meets a sexy, intriguing construction worker while going to see her father at his new building. She decides that he's not just some average blue-collar guy, because he seems soooo classy and different! Yeah he's different, but not in a good way. Stay Tuned for our next thrilling story, Showdown.

Moral? I guess the moral is that even super douches like Bruce Patman can change. All they need is a pretty deaf girl to help them change!

Love Letters #17

Caroline looks like she's a few french fries short of a happy meal on this cover, and kinda hamster-ish. Elizabeth looks constipated and nosy.

Let me start by saying that I often find Caroline annoying (and I'm not the only one), but I liked this book a lot. It had a fake boyfriend disaster and no Todd and Elizabeth B.S. Good enough for me!
So, Caroline is feeling alienated and lonely because she has no real friends and her cool older sister ignores her. This is probably due to the fact that she is the biggest gossip ever and super nosy.

Instead of realizing this, she invents an over-the-top romantic boyfriend who lives two hours away named Adam, and writes letters to herself that are supposedly from "Adam".

Because she's lazy and not such a great writer, she copies the letters from the books of poet Robert Browning's love letters to his love Elizabeth. Convienently, our own Elizabeth is doing a play in some kind of competition, with those exact letters from the books. This comes in later on in the story.

These letters were written a looong time ago, so they don't sound anything like letters a sixteen-year-old boy would write anyway...
"My dearest, inexpressibly dearest, Caroline. Your flower is the one flower I have seen, or see, or shall see. When it fades I will bless it till it shines again."

And for some reason, all of the girls buy this crap and really think Caroline has some uber-romantic guy in love with her.

The only one who isn't totally convinced is Jessica. I thought Lila would be more skeptical, but she seems to buy the story for awhile. Jess is determined to prove that Caroline's a liar, and she gets Lila to plan a party in honor of Caroline and her new man. Caroline panics and tries to get out of it, but Lila and Jess get bus tickets for "Adam" and make sure there's no excuse for him not to show up.

Now, normally I would be making fun of Caroline's stupid fake-boyfriend plan more, but I have to admit I've done it. Not with old-timey letters, but made-up stories about my "boyfriend". Plus SVH is all about couples and dating, and she's one of the only single, date-less students there. Plus, she's like the only red-head in Sweet Valley (besides Julie Porter, but she barely counts). I can't blame her for losing her mind and making boyfriends up. But I digress.

Enter B and C plots : B plot- Caroline finds a letter in the Wakefield's trash from Mrs. Wakefield thanking a firm in San Francisco for their job offer.She mentions in the letter that she'd have to think it over ,and her family would need a month to move.
Caroline catches Jessica making fun of her and pulls out the letter to embarrass her. Things like this may be why people don't like you Caroline.

To avoid looking bad in front of Lila and Cara, Jessica acts like she already knew about the possible move when she really had no idea. Yes, their parents never mentioned they might be moving to a different city in about a month. Another fine example of Alice and Ned Wakefield parenting genius.

Why no one really questions how Caroline got a personal letter, or why a letter that Alice was supposed to be sending to San Francisco was in the Wakefield's trash can in Sweet Valley, I don't know.

Jessica tells Liz, and they confront their parents, who have the nerve to call them selfish for not being happy about their mother's job opportunity. What? Yes, the twins can be quite selfish, (especially Jessica), but them not being excited about a sudden move to a new city is understandable. Liz plans to wait to tell Todd, but Caroline screws that up when she tells Liz to tell Jess she's sorry about the letter incident....right in front of Todd. Way to go Caroline. She's batting 1000 in this one.

The twins start a Sweet-Valley-is-perfect campaign to get their parents to stay, sending them pamphlets on Sweet Valley hangouts.
I can't figure out why they think spamming their parents to death will make them want to stay in Sweet Valley. But I guess I'm missing something, since it does work and they get to stay in Sweet Valley. Of course. Sweet Valley would collapse on itself without the Wakefields!

C plot isn't much of anything except a few pages about Regina and Bruce going on a date. Will Regina fall for SVH's resident player/date rapist? I'm going to spoil the surprise and say yes, in fact, she falls Head Over Heels for Bruce.

So back to our fabulous A-plot. Elizabeth reads some of her play at the dinner table, and Jessica knows for sure after hearing it that "Adam" didn't write those letters. For some reason Liz thinks that maybe "Adam's" just a plagerizer, copying the plays and sending them to Caroline, instead of realizing that, HELLO! Caroline is writing the letters to herself!

Sometimes I want to tear my hair out at how dense and overly-trusting Liz is. Don't we all?
 The party is all set for the weekend and Caroline is freaking out. She confesses the whole thing to Liz ,(who else?), and asks her not to read her play at the competition, because then everyone from school will know Adam didn't write the letters. They're going to know when that party rolls around the next day anyway, but Caroline is apparently both selfish and stupid.
Elizabeth actually ends up agreeing to not enter her play, which is so ridiculous. Jess couldn't have said it better:

"I thought you were the brains of the family Liz, but that's about the stupidest thing you've ever done in your whole life. I can't believe you'd jeopordize your entire literary future for that spoiled brat!"
Thank you.

But all is well in the end, because Caroline realizes she can't hide forever and tells Liz to read the play. She pours her heart out to her older sister, Anita, about her fake boyfriend. and crippling loneliness. Anita's response is to spend two hours telling Caroline all of the reasons no one likes her. The tough approach works, and Caroline apologizes to all of the people she's gossiped about and vows to change.

Because Liz is everyone's guardian angel, she decides to help Caroline out of her jam. She gets Todd's random out-of-town friend, Jerry, to play "Adam" at the party. You'd think that Caroline would just go with it and save herself the embarrassment, (I know I would), but because we have to learn a moral lesson, Caroline confesses her lie to the whole party.
But it's cool because Jerry likes her for realz and wants to write to her and be her real-life Adam. Awww.

Moral of the story? Don't invent fake boyfriends. No seriously, don't. It's really embarrassing when you get caught in the lie. I'm still embarrassed about my fake boyfriend incident from over 10 years ago!

Rags to Riches #16

Roger looks asian here, and nothing like his last cover. Guess getting rich really does change you. Jessica looks appropriately evil, as usual, and that shirt is really not flattering.
So, Roger is now super-rich, in case you haven't caught that. When his mom died, it was revealed that his real dad is Paul Patman, Bruce's uncle who died in a plane crash. Paul was "seeing" Roger's mom behind his wife's back, and was planning to divorce his wife and marry her. Before he could do that he died, but he left a huge amount of cash to his then-unborn son.

Roger moves into the Patman's estate, and is thrown into the world of rich people, which apparently includes dressing up for dinners at home, and being super stuck-up at all times. Oh, and using 3000 different kinds of utensils. Poor old Rog isn't doing such a great job at this whole rich thing, and it probably doesn't help that his girlfriend, Olivia Davidson, has started acting even more insecure and emotional then normal.

Now that he's rich, Jessica is all hot for Roger. Who would've thought? There is a random barbeque at the Patman mansion and the whole freakin school is there, like at every party. During the BBQ, Jessica sucks up hardcore to Mrs. Patman. Mrs P makes it pretty clear she'd like Jessica to replace Olivia as Roger's date to an upcoming country club party.

It has to be said that Bruce's mom is just a horrible throughout this book. She refers to Roger's award-winning running as a "dreadful habit", and when he spills a few drops of wine on her at dinner, she loses her mind. It's all pretty clear now why Bruce acts like such an douche nozzle. His mother's attitude may also explain why he treats most girls he dates like crap. Hmmm.

But enough analyzing Bruce. In the sub-plot,  Regina has been acting kinda weird lately. Some of the girls have seen her hanging out with 'gasp' an older man! This, of course, starts a ton of stupid rumors about Regina dating an old man. Because he couldn't possibly be a family member or something.
Todd and Elizabeth go spy on her to find out what's going on for themselves, instead of just asking her. Even thought they're supposed to be her close friends. Okay.

There's a few more awkward encounters and sightings of Regina and her mystery old man, and more rumors crop up. Regina confides in-who else- Elizabeth, telling her that the older guy is a modeling agent and she's going to be on the cover of popular magazine Ingenue. For reasons I can't understand, this is treated like a huge secret. Lila finds out about the cover while on her own little spy-on-Regina mission, and swears she'll steal that cover.

This is so stupid because why would the magazine trash their already-shot cover to shoot some random chick? If they liked Lila so much, she would get an future magazine cover, not Regina's.
Just sayin....

Lila's plan fails and after listening to Mr. Important Agent gush about Regina, she's told that her face would look flat in photos and modeling isn't for her. Ouch.

Jessica starts in on her operation-destroy-Olivia plan, although she doesn't have to do much, since Olivia is great at making herself look bad already. All she really does is drop some hints about how the Patman's and Olivia just don't mix (true), Liv and Roger are growing apart, etc. Olivia is so insecure that that's all it takes to make her start second-guessing their relationship.

Elizabeth can't seem to figure out why Jessica is suddenly BFF with Olivia, even though it should be pretty obvious .Um, why would Jessica suddenly want to spend time with Olivia of all people? She's clearly never liked the girl. Her dislike for Olivia is even more obvious when Liz says she saw Liv downtown looking really bad (meaning depressed), and Jessica's reaction is to exclaim, "oh no what was she wearing now?!" Hint, hint Liz, Jessica is not hanging out with Olivia for altruistic purposes. Come to think of it, Jess doesn't do anything for altruistic reasons.

Olivia just keeps getting more insecure and clumsy, and finally she and Roger get into the Big Fight. Roger asks Jessica to be his date, after she convinces him that Olivia was just going to dump him right before the party so he'd be left without a date, because she's jealous of his money. To me, this sounds nothing like Olivia. Roger briefly thinks the same thing, but then decides to believe Jessica over his girlfriend.

Well no wonder Jessica manipulates and lies so much, seems like everyone in Sweet Valley is so naive that they'll believe anything! Roger finally gets the picture right before the party, when he overhears Mrs. Patman talking on the phone about how Jessica got rid of Olivia for her. He goes to the place everyone goes when they need help, the Wakefield house. He tells the twins about how he wants Olivia back. When Liz sees Jessica's obvious annoyance about this, she's all like oohh maybe Jessica wasn't really helping Olivia... Yeah... DUH!!!!!!

Roger and Elizabeth rush off to Olivia's, while Jessica stays at home and finds another date in under five minutes.
Rog and Liv have their little we're-back-together moment, (I'll spare you the details), and the Patman's grudgingly accept Olivia... kind of. Everyone oohs and ahhs over Regina's magazine cover at the party, and Caroline shows off old-timey sounding love letters from her new man Adam (why is Caroline invited to this party?) More about those love letters, and Caroline here.

Olivia's outfits; I just had to throw in some outfit descriptions since Liv may have the most random "style" in SVH. No wonder the Patman's didn't approve!

"Oversized army pants, sandals, and a bright-yellow T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Her usual bandana was twisted into a thin band around her forehead"

"The dress didn't have much shape to it, though it was certainly long enough. Olivia had designed a deep neckline that plunged in a vee, and had made a soft, gathered sash to cover the waistline. It wouldn't be half-bad as a bathing suit cover up. But to wear to the biggest party of the season?"
*side note-don't you love how every party/dance is the "biggest" of the year/season/month/week/decade?

"Her brown curls were held back by a silver-and-gold braided rope, and she was wearing a loose, man-sized cotton shirt belted over a flowered skirt."

Ahh Olivia. A true free spirit. I gotta admit I like her, despite my complaining. At least she's got some personality that's not totally sociopath-like, (talking to you, Jessica) or condescending (That'd be you, Liz!).

Moral of the story? If you get rich, stay with your hippie girlfriend and don't let an evil blonde manipulate you. That's pretty much all I got.

Deceptions #14

Ok, this book....I mean really. What. The. Heck. You know I usually love my SVH, but this one was awful. Not in a funny typical SVH way..it was just annoying. Definitely not my favorite.

The rail thin plot involves a  hot new rich guy, Nicholas Morrow, who just moved into town. Nicholas saw Liz at her welcome-home-from-your-kidnapping-now-let's-forget-it party. He of course fell madly in love with her, because...it's Elizabeth. One big issue with this is that Jessica has decided that she and Nicholas are meant to be. I know you saw it coming.

Nicholas badgers Elizabeth about going on just one date with him, to see if anything's there, even though he knows she has a longtime boyfriend. Even more ridiculous, Liz actually feels obligated to go out with him just to give him a chance...even though she has a boyfriend that's she's supposedly in love with. How can they keep acting like Todd and Liz are sooo in love and "steady", when she's on another guy in like half the books? Agggh...

So, I'm sure you see where this headache of a book is going. Elizabeth doesn't tell anyone of her upcoming date with Nicholas, and they go to an out-of-the-way expensive restaurant that she knows she won't see anyone from Sweet Valley in.

Except Todd is there for his parent's anniversary (I thought romantic anniversary dinners didn't include the kids? ) He sees Liz and Nicholas! She pretends to be Jessica and gets away with it, until Todd stops by to see Liz at the Wakefield house, and runs into Jess. Ooops. He lets Jessica know that Elizabeth is having dinner with Nicholas, and she hits the roof, because he was her boyfriend!! Even though they haven't gone out on even a single date, or anything...

She confronts Liz when she gets home, and forgives her about 5 minutes later when she explains that she was pressured into going out with Nicholas and has no feelings for him. Jessica suddenly decides that she doesn't care because Nicholas isn't that awesome anyways and he works too much. Right.

But there's still the problem of Todd. Will he ever forgive Elizabeth? Oh em gee! You know he does. Todd is playing in a basketball game and performing badly because all he can think about is Liz. Nicholas has a heart-to-heart with him at halftime of a basketball game, (he finally realized pressuring Liz to leave her man and date him was wrong. Finally.), and Todd comes back and plays better than ever.

After the game, he catches up with Liz, (she was there to do a story for the Oracle), and they have the usual Todd and Elizabeth mushy reunion. Ugh.

The sub plot- Jessica cons nerd Randy Mason, (he was her partner for a project in Electronics class), into hacking into a school computer and changing her math grade. Randy feels all super guilty about it, and decides to go turn himself in to Principal Cooper. Elizabeth finds out about this, and insists that Jessica goes with him. Cooper lets them off easy, because Elizabeth gives him some sappy speech about how Jess and Randy learned their lesson and won't do it again. He doesn't even give them a detention because Liz is that awesome. Very effective punishment, Mr. C.

The moral of this awful story? Don't coerce people into going on dates with you, it won't work out. Don't make nerdy kids hack into a computer to change your grades. They'll rat you out.

Kidnapped! #13

Is it weird if I say Elizabeth looks more sexy then scared in this picture? Well, I said it, so oh well. That's the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this cover. The hand reaching for her adds a nice, creepy touch to things.
In the last book, Elizabeth and Jessica work in a hospital as candy stripers, and the creepy-creeperton orderly, Carl, chloroforms and kidnaps Elizabeth.

Kidnapped! begins with a slightly disturbing exchange between Jessica and her big bro Steven. Jess calls steve to help her zip up her dress, and then asks him how she looks. Very non-brotherly thoughts start going though his head:

"Steven inspected his sister carefully. Jessica had a knack for picking out clothes that made her look her best-although even a burlap sack couldn't conceal her perfectly-proportioned figure. The dress was no exception. The iridescent material matched her brilliant, blue-green eyes, and the neckline of the sleeveless dress was about as low as a sixteen-year-old could get away with."

Do I even need to say anything about that quote? There isn't much left to say.

Steven does ask her if their parents know Jessica is going out dressed like a two-dollar whore ,(not his exact words), and she tells him to stop treating her like a baby. Steven tries to explain:

"Now, Jessica, I just meant that it looks a little, uh-"
"Sexy?" , Jessica cut in. "Alluring, perhaps?"
"You're putting it mildly Jess. The way you look, you'll be fighting off at lease ninety-percent of the guys in Sweet Valley."
Wow...just....no. You guys are RELATED. Remember?

And oh the incest suggestions don't end there.
"She really thought her brother was the most handsome guy in Sweet Valley"
Okaaayyyy we get it.. they're totally into each other. Get a room!

Steve is going out with Tricia, and Jessica is going to some kind of welcome-to-Sweet-Valley party for the new family in town. The Morrows have a son named Nicholas that Jessica is determined to seduce, even though she's never met him. Steven actually seems surprised that Jessica is going off to lust after a stranger....you know this is Jessica, right Steve?

Steven and Jessica both think Elizabeth is busy tutoring Max Dellon, (guitarist of the Droids). Steve finally leaves, and Jessica is sitting around waiting for Liz to get back, because she has the car. Jess gets an uneasy feeling about Elizabeth, and almost calls Max to see if Liz is there, but brushes it off and decides that Liz just got caught up with tutoring. Why she didn't call, especially after getting her "twintuition" feelings about Liz, I don't know. Probably because chasing after a stranger you've never seen is more important then making sure your twin is okay.

She leaves to the party with Cara, and they talk about Cara's chances with Steven, which Jessica thinks are good now, because Tricia has leukemia. Uh-huh. Jessica explains that Tricia will drop dead soon enough anyways, so the Steven will be available for Cara! See, it all works out perfect!

Geez what a sociopath. At least pretend like you give a crap about her dying. Believe me Jess, I want Tricia The Boring gone just as much as you. But we must be patient. It'll happen soon enough.

They get to the party, which is in a beautiful mansion because the Morrows are rich. Of course. The parents, Skye and Kurt are "strikingly gorgeous". Notice how everyone in Sweet Valley seems to have hot parents? Alice and Ned are always described as young-looking and hot. Annie Whitman's mom is a former model, who even as an alcoholic, is good-looking. I could go on and on....

Jessica and Cara meet Regina Morrow, and Jessica assumes the girl is drunk or crazy because she isn't paying any attention to her. What? But hold on, Regina isn't drunk, she's deaf! The first handicapped character in Sweet Valley land. What a break through!

When Jess realizes Regina is deaf, she gushes tactlessly about how sorry she feels for Regina, who assures her she's just fine. A "horrifying thought" goes through Jessica's mind:

"'Is Nicholas deaf too?"

And yes, she asked that out loud. Luckily for her, Regina seems to ignore all of this. I would've have slapped Jessica by now.

Nicholas isn't deaf, (Thank God, because what could be worse!?) He's charming, sexy, and all the things Jessica heard/assumed he was. Jess gets right to work on Nicholas, and pushes her guilty thoughts about leaving without her sister out of her mind.

We get to Elizabeth, who is has woken up in the back of a van, and has no idea what is going on. She recalls walking to her car in the hospital parking lot, and remembers putting the keys in the ignition, which is funny since she didn't even manage to get in the car when she was kidnapped at the end of the last book. Minus one for continuity (and it only gets worse as the series goes on...)

She's in too much of a fog to remember much, and passes out again.

During all of this, Max Dellon is sitting at his house waiting for Elizabeth to come tutor him. We learn a bit about how the Droids came together, and who plays what. Dana Larson is the singer, Guy Chesney is on keyboards, Dan Scott is the bass guitarist, and Emily Mayer's on drums. I've never heard a song by the droids, (has anyone? I don't remember them even being in the SVH T.V show.), but I already know I would not enjoy their music.

Any-hoo, Max is grounded because he's failing English, so naturally Mr. Collins assigned Liz to tutor him. Max is starting to get worried, and calls the Wakefield's house. When no one answers, he gets on his motorcycle and goes to the hospital to find her, ignoring the fact that he's grounded. Random how this guy that barely knows Liz cares more about her whereabouts and safety then her own twin.

Max discovers Elizabeth's abandoned car in the parking lot with the driver's door opened and her sweater left on the seat. He starts looking through her stuff (for clues, I guess?), and a cop comes up and starts questioning him. Things get worse when another cop, who had an altercation with Max not too long ago, joins them and Max gets arrested.

He's let out for lack of anything to hold him on, but he knows that until Elizabeth is found, he's the main suspect.

Elizabeth comes to again, blind-folded, gagged and tied up. The kidnapper finally appears:

"What the man did next was something Elizabeth couldn't believe. Gently, he ran his thick, stubby fingers across her hair, and then unwound her braid, slowly, methodically until her soft blonde hair fell to her shoulders."

He undid her hair.  Ruining Elizabeth's Wakefield's perfect braid. How could he?!
She realizes it's none other then creepy-creeperton hospital orderly Carl. She helped him clean up when he dropped some stuff at the hospital, and smiled at him once or twice.

So in his demented brain, she's his perfect woman. But we knew this was bound to happen sooner or later, right? Liz is soooo great and thoughtful, it's only natural people would get crazy-obsessed with her.

Todd is wondering around the Morrow's party, anxious about Elizabeth. He brought up his fears to Jessica earlier, but she was too busy drooling all over Nicholas and brushed him off, lying and saying that Liz was babysitting for Mr. Collins. Todd has Mr. Collins' number memorized for whatever reason, and calls him up. After that confusing call, Mr. Collins wearily thinks;
 "Sometimes, being a teacher at Sweet Valley High felt like a twenty-four hours job."

We-elllll Mr. Collins. You are the one that gets all up in everyone's biz, and you're always encouraging students to confide in you! Not to mention having them babysit for your kid, attending their parties....
Todd is totally pissed at Jessica and pushes her in the pool in front of Nicholas, which is just great. She finally gets it through her thick skull that her twin is in trouble.

They run off to go search for Liz, Jessica whining the whole time about how if Liz is hurt it's her fault blah blah blah. Of course Todd reassures her of how blameless she is. I really wish someone would just say to her one of these times "Yeah, it is all your fault." Just once.

Carl still has Liz tied up, and explains to her how in love he is with her, because she's the only person who cares about him in his crazy mind. She attempts to escape, but she doesn't plan it out too well and he catches her before she can even leave the house. He later tortures Liz further by forcing her to eat frozen pancakes, and read boring investing and children's books he got for her from the hospital gift shop. The horror! I had a hard time sleeping after reading this terrifying novel.

It does get pretty creepy when Carl lets us in on his plans. He wants to take Liz somewhere far away in the mountains, where she can bathe in streams. Oh that lucky girl. He explains that the place is so far into the woods that Elizabeth would get lost and die trying to escape, and no one would ever be able to find them.

The Wakefield family and Todd call the police ,and find out about Max's arrest. Despite the fact that Max hangs around with "some real bad-news types and his metal-spiked wristbands and the scowling expression he wore around school", Jess doesn't thinks he's the culprit. She actually admits that she has no one to blame but herself. Of course she doesn't admit it out loud to anyone else, but hey it's a step in the right direction.

Todd, on the other hand, decides Max and his spiked wristbands must know something, so he attacks Max in the school halls. Jessica plays Elizabeth's role,and gets in the middle of them, convincing Todd that Max isn't guilty. They all run to the hospital, and Carl spots Jessica. Thinking she's Elizabeth, (yes folks, he stalked Liz for a whole book and never realized she had a twin.), he runs and grabs her, asking her how she escaped.

Max tackles Carl, and they find out about all of his plans for Liz. Carl is taken to jail, and Liz and Jessica have an adorable twin reunion. Liz and Todd have their own romantic mushy reunion, and everything is right in Sweet Valley. Well, at least until the next book.

.

When Love Dies #12

Where to begin with this cover? What's up with the whole hanging-over-the-shoulder pose? I swear like 70% of SVH books have that pose, although it's usually Elizabeth looking over someone's shoulder patronizingly.
And what is Tricia wearing? Is it supposed to be some kind of nightgown or a hospital gown....? Steven looks a older than eighteen to me, but then again Tricia is no prize herself., with that horrifying orange-y red perm and all.

This is probably going to be relatively short, since it's a Steven book, and what could be more boring?
So things between Tricia and Steven still aren't going too great. She's ignoring his calls, and avoiding him. Steven is totally unhinged by this, and is desperate to figure out what her deal is.

Jessica is thrilled that things are rocky between them, and crassly suggests that Tricia's with other guys (just like her trampy sister, Betsy!). Liz and Steven both defend Tricia, saying something must be wrong and she's not like that.

Well, turns out something is majorly wrong. Tricia has leukemia and has only been given about six months to live, but doesn't want to hurt Steven by telling him. So instead, she let's him think that she's found someone new when he confronts her at her house. Great plan! I'm sure this will go well.

As for the twins, Jessica hears from Cara Walker that T.V talk show host Jeremy Frank is in the nearby Fowler hospital. She gets all excited because, OMG it's another guy she can chase!

Turns out that Cara got that info from a girl she knows who volunteers as a candy striper in the hospital, so Jess has now decided that volunteering is an awesome idea, and convinces Elizabeth to do it with her. Liz is a little weirded out by Jess's sudden philanthropy, but goes with it like the doormat she is.

Liz is the first one to run into Jeremy Frank, and after telling Jess about it, Jessica's reaction reveals her real motive for volunteering. Liz is morally offended and doesn't want her other half bothering Jeremy at the hospital, (But she gives Jess the number of the room he was in. Not helping things, Liz.)We already know Jess is going to bother Jeremy as much as humanely possible.

Jessica does indeed do just that, and botches things up pretty bad when she falls on his broken leg and breaks the cables holding his leg up. Good first impression Jess! But of course she's not done with Jeremy yet, and promises herself she'll find a way to earn a spot on his talk show.

Elizabeth spots Tricia at the hospital looking sick, and thinks that she might be visiting her new guy, maybe an orderly that works there. Because someone who appears sick at a hospital wouldn't be there because they were...sick, right? Tricia runs away when Elizabeth tries to get her attention, and I can't blame her, because if I was that sick, the last thing I'd want to do is talk to Liz. Actually, I could be totally healthy, and talking to Liz would still be the last thing I'd want to do.

Jessica just can't stop meddling and scheming, (...like every other book), and continues to put her Steve and Cara matchmaking plan in motion. She lies to Steven and tells him Cara's having a party that night, and after some convincing, she gets him to agree to go.

The only problem with this, is that Cara has no idea that she's even throwing a party that night. Jessica lets her know, saying to just "put some potato chips out and invite a few people."  I would seriously slap her. Who does that?!?

The "party" ends up consisting of Cara, Lila and her date Jim, Steven, and Jessica with her date, Aaron Dallas. (Aaron is one of those characters that only pops up to serve as someone's date once in awhile. That is, until his parents divorce and and entire book is dedicated to him flipping out.)

This party is every bit as awkward as it sounds, with Cara feeling like a fool, clumsily explaining to Steve that she invited a lot of people, but they didn't show up. That doesn't help her case with Steve, and neither does the fact that all he can think about is Tricia.

Cara does happen to have some interesting news for Steve, telling him that Caroline Pierce saw Tricia "draped all over some other guy". Suddenly, Steve has changed his tune and is dancing with Cara, although he still can't stop thinking about Tricia.

Steve figures he might as well date Cara since he'll never stop loving Tricia anyways (?), and even plans to go out with her that weekend.

Back at the hospital, Jessica screws up her chances with the fabulous Jeremy even more by spilling ice water all over him during his sponge bath. Elizabeth realizes how much her sister is torturing Jeremy, and has to figure out a way to stop her before they both get fired. (Because no one fires Liz, dammit.)

She approaches Jeremy with a plan: have Jeremy act like he's falling in love with Jess, and go completely over the top to scare Jess away. She tells her mom about this plan, who thinks it's just hilarious...not the way I would expect a mom to act, but Alice is not anything close to mom-of-the-year.

Jeremy starts sending Jessica flowers and telling her how awesome she is. She loves it, until he proclaims his undying love and asks her to marry him. The idea of commitment is, of course, enough to make her run for the hills, and she's outta there. I wonder what he would've done if she had said yes? I mean, she probably would cheat on him, and find some other guy within a week anyway, but still....  

Elizabeth hears about a patient her age and decides to go spread her cheery Wakefield charm. But imagine her shock when, gasp, it's none other then Tricia Martin! She has leukemia! Oooohhh so that's why she looked so sick. Now it all makes sense doesn't it? Tricia explains things to Elizabeth, and makes her promise to keep it a secret.

To add to Elizabeth's problems, a creepy orderly named Carl has been making her uncomfortable. He stares at her intensely and almost seems to be following her. She tells no one, (so typical), because she reasons that it's not illegal to look at her. But why wouldn't she at least mention to Todd or her family ? 'Sigh' who knows...

Liz is getting her panties in a major twist over the whole dilemma. Tell Steve or not? Legally she's not supposed to, with patient confidentiality and all, but more importantly, she promised not to tell. And we all know how Liz can be when it comes to promises.(I would still have told Steven if I were her. I mean, Tricia's dying already right? So does it matter that much if you keep her secret? Maybe I'm just insensitive.) Elizabeth goes to Mr.Collins and tells him her issue. He gives her his usual follow-your-heart talk and she knows what she needs to do.

Cara and Steve go to a college party, (Steve actually has college friends?), and blah blah blah all he can think about is Tricia cuz she's his one true love blah blah. He even recalls recently following a girl who looked similar to Tricia around his school. Turns out Tricia has more look-alikes in the later books, (and yes, Steve exhibits the same stalker behavior with them as well.)

When Cara tells him he needs to forget Tricia if her and him are going to be couple, Steve tells her off "Do you think I could replace Tricia just like that? As if she were a car or something?" alright Steven finally got some balls! Because seriously, Cara was being super pushy in this book.

Later on, Elizabeth tells Steven the real reason Tricia dumped him, and he rushes to be with her. They have a whole mushy, sad reunion and he vows to stick with her until the end. Oh, and the guy she was "draped all over"? We learn she actually almost fainted, and the man was just helping her to her car. Goes to show you, never listen to Caroline Pierce's b.s gossip. She's an evil, redheaded liar!

It turns out I was right about Jessica taking up Jeremy's offer, she decides after some deliberation that an engagement to him could really help boost her non-existent Hollywood career.  It's pretty funny, because she announces her acceptance of his proposal, and he laughs in her face.

She finds out it was all a joke, and then uses that to her advantage by guilt-tripping him into giving her her own segment on his talk show, Frankly Speaking. God, I wish I had her power to twist every bad situation into something good for me. What the hell.

End with Elizabeth walking to her car outside of the hospital, all the while being unknowingly followed by Carl the weirdo orderly. He chloroforms and kidnaps her, leaving us in utter suspense until the next book-the cleverly named, Kidnapped!

Too Good To Be True #11

Elizabeth looks almost "special' on this cover, I think the artist overdid her "I can't figure this girl out" face a little. Suzanne doesn't look as supermodel pretty on this cover as she's described in the book, but can't we say that for most characters' covers? (Especially the Wrong Kind of Girl cover. Ugh).
We're continuing from the last book, where the twins get the exciting news that the sophisticated daughter of some family friends is coming to stay with them during yet another SVH school break. They seem to get a lot of time off of school. While she's visiting, one of the twins is going to New York and staying with the Devlin's.

Jessica, of course, realllly wants to go to New York.
She imagines her trip to NY would go something like this:

"she would be strolling through the glittering aisles at Tiffany's, and the owner would rush up to her, holding out a priceless emerald necklace. 'It's made for you, my dear,' he says. 'Look how the jewels match your eyes' He waves aside her protests that she can't afford such an expensive necklace. 'No, you must consider it a gift.It's payment enough for me just to see you wearing it.' "

At a Manhattan disco: "Suddenly, a hand touches her arm. She turns. 'Pardon me,' Mick Jagger says, 'I believe the next dance is mine.' "

"She might even be discovered by one of the top modeling agencies. Within a few weeks, her face would be the cover of Cosmopolitian"

Yeah. I need to list the some of things wrong with this whole fantasy:

-Since when does Tiffany's hand out jewelry to non-famous people? No Jessica, you are not considered famous outside of Sweet Valley.

- Mick Jagger? Sounds more like the fantasy of a 40 year old, even back in the 80's when this was written.

-And even so, would Mick Jagger really be so entranced by some random 16 year old-who shouldn't even be at a Manhattan nightclub?
                                        
 -A modeling career and a huge magazine cover, all in a few weeks. Ambitious, isn't she?
                                     
Jessica's fantasy is crushed when they flip a coin, and Liz is the twin that gets to go to New York. We all know this will never work out, because how boring would Elizabeth be in NY? She'd probably go on a museum tour. Yawn. Jess throws her usual tantrum until Elizabeth predictably lets her go to NY instead.

Jess leaves, and they wait for Suzanne at the airport. Alice gets on her mothering high-horse, talking about how Suzanne has been in boarding schools most of her life.
"I suppose there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't see how I ever could have sent you kids away like that. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I think children belong at home until they're ready for college."
Right Alice. Steven jokingly responds that he's in college, and she's still stuck with him practically every weekend! Har har. Yeah we're all stuck with you. Maybe you should be at college more, Steve.

Speaking of Steve, there are of course, the obligatory pages updating us on the status of him and Tricia Martin's relationship. It's not going that well. But who really cares? (I gotta admit, I'm not really looking forward to #12 When Love Dies. All about Tricia and Steven. Yuck).

The amazing Suzanne appears, (the book never fails to mention how glamorous, thin, and sophisticated she is on  nearly every page), and the whole family just loves her! She's super-duper nice and polite, and even does things like offer to dishes after dinner. They're practically ready to trade in Jessica for good at this point.

They have the thousandth pool party of the series, in honor of Suzanne, and the ghostwriter reallly over does it here with reminding us how perfect Suzanne supposedly is.
"Though she wasn't stunning like Suzanne, Enid had a prettiness that was all her own."
Don't feel bad if you don't measure up to Suzanne's impossible standards. You have a prettiness all your own! How condescending.

Inappropriately close to his students as always, Mr. Collins is barbequing at the party. Suzanne is checking his sexy ass out, and who wouldn't? He does look like "a young Robert Redford", as the ghostwriters have told us 9000 times. She fakes drowning just to get his attention, and he jumps in a saves her. Liz finds Suzanne's "close call" a little strange, since she saw Suzanne swimming earlier and knows she can swim well, but decides to let it go. Typical Liz.

Elizabeth's gold laveliere necklace dissappears (both twins were given matching necklaces for their 16th b-day), and she can't seem to find it anywhere. Hmm strange.
Even Lila uncharacteristically gets in on the Suzanne butt-kissing action, tellling her that she is soooo gorgeous, (ok we get it!), and should be a model.

We then learn that Suzy is the one responsible for stealing the necklace. I'm guessing she did it just to cause trouble, because I'm sure she already has plenty of nice jewelry.
Liz, Todd, and Suzy stop at Mr. Collins' house so Liz can drop off some stuff for the paper. Suzanne asks some inappropriate personal questions about Mr. C's personal life, and then volunteers to take the papers in for Liz.

Here's an idea of just how sexy Mr. Collins looks:
"He was wearing only a pair of white jogging shorts and a red bandanna to keep his longish strawberry-blonde hair out of his eyes. Suzanne's gaze strayed down to his bare, muscular chest, which was deeply tanned and slick with perspiration."
Wow.

Suzanne "accidentally"drops a glass of water on her thin t-shirt, revealing her sexy little bikini top underneath. Geez this is starting to sound like some bad softcore porn. Mr. C is not amused by her antics, although he does blush a little bit after she makes some more sexual innuendos before she leaves.

We are reminded AGAIN how amazing and hot Suzy is, when class clown Winston spells out "I love you" on the Wakefield's front lawn just for her. Since his girl Mandy Farmer moved away apparently, Win is now stuck on Suzanne. Wow I would be pissed if I were the Wakefield's. Like hello, he tp'd their lawn! I know he's "the class clown", but really. Too far, Win.

The sub plot here is all about Jessica's trip to New York, which, surprise surprise, doesn't go quite like she imagined. First off, The Devlin's pay almost no attention to Jess, except for a few outings here and there. Second, Pete, Suzanne's hot older boyfriend, isn't falling for Jessica's Wakefield twin charms! Whaaatttt?

Pete patronizes her and ignores her, and this only makes her more determined to get him. (This is a pretty common thing for Jessica. A guy dares to not want her? She'll do anything to get him now!)

It never occurs to her that he might just be ignoring her shameless advances, because he has a girlfriend (the perfect Suzanne! Hello!). Sigh.
She calls up Liz later, and lies her ass off about how crazy about her Pete is, and what an amazing time she's having. Liz doesn't feel "a drop of envy", because she's lucky enough to be in the presence of the amazing, angelic Suzanne.

Jess hangs up and re-lives the other night in her head, and we learn that Suzanne's waspy, sophisticated friends threw a dinner party to welcome her. The party didn't go so well, as Jessica ended up drinking too much champagne and puking while Suzy's friends sneered at her for not being able to hold her liquor. I don't think anyone from Sweet Valley can hold their liquor. Maybe it's something in the water.

Jess continue to lust after Pete, and he's still not responding, until one day they are alone together in the Devlin's place, and he almost-rapes her. He reasons,
"You've been begging for it from the day I met you"
No comment on that one...
She calls him the "meanest person on earth". I guess that's how I'd describe someone who nearly raped me too?
The Devlin's walk in just in time to save Jess from her predicament.

Now, back to Suzanne and Liz. Suzy volunteers to take Elizabeth's place on a babysitting job, so she can go out with Todd. And guess who's kid she's babysitting? Yup, Mr. Collins' son Teddy.
She tells Liz not to call or notify Mr. C of the switch, she'll take care of it. Of course she doesn't and just shows up unexpectedly to babysit. Mr. C is a little wary since Liz didn't even let him know about the switch, but gets over that a little too quickly, and leaves his kid with a stranger. Suzy is all smiles with Teddy, until his father leaves, and then she ditches the kid to go snoop through Mr. C's stuff. She's trying to find something incriminating, and finds nothing.

We learn that she's blackmailed before, using a bag of weed she found in her cousin's purse to make her poor cousin her slave. Ooh she's so evil!

Mr.Collins gets back, and Suzanne tries to seduce him blatantly this time, wrapping herself around him, and telling him that she's a "big girl" and won't tell anyone. He refuses, and she's totally mad and seeking revenge.

She makes up a story about Mr. Collins sexually harassing her and cries to Liz about it, who seems to believe someone she just met, over a trusted teacher she's known forever. And she's the loyal twin. Geez.
She comes across her necklace in Suzanne's suitcase, and finally starts to realize Suzy might not be an angel after all.

Oh, it's Lila's b-day by the way, and she's throwing the biggest party ever! On the way to said party, Todd and Liz discuss Elizabeth's necklace and Mr. Collins. They stop by Mr. C's house, and he's a total dramatic-looking wreck. After a quick talk, Liz is sure that Suzanne is lying about the almost-rape incident.

She and Todd arrive at Lila's bash, and Suzy is flirting with everyone and being her little fake-perfect self. Liz pulls her aside and confronts her with everything. Suzy is full of really bad, obvious lies, and Liz isn't buying it. She even calls her "the biggest loser of all." Burn! 

Suzanne heads out to do some damage control, and tells gossipy Cara that she's worried about Liz, because Liz hit her head on the pool the other day, and has been acting really strange! Just like her motorcycle incident.
Cara runs off to go spread the news, and Suzanne is confident that no one will believe anything Elizabeth says now.

Annoying redhead Caroline Pierce tells the story to Enid, and Enid, (being one of the only relatively smart people around at this party), knows this story is suspect.

She tells Liz, who confronts Suzanne right in the middle of the dance floor. It's nice to see Elizabeth have some balls for once. A crowd gathers around them, and Suzanne acts like Liz is just crazy. Winston Eggbert saves the day, when he accidentally-on-purpose trips and spills his glass of punch all over Suzanne, who shows her true colors by flipping out on him and calling him a "big, stupid dog". I love SVH insults.

She tries to backtrack, but it's too late, and everyone can see that she really is "Too Good to be True". (sorry, I just had to do that). Mr Collins is cleared, and Suzy is back home. Jessica returns, and is full of more lies about how great things were with her and Pete. Elizabeth doesn't tell Jessica anything about the story of Suzanne, and makes it sound like nothing special happened. I'm not sure why. Won't Jessica find out what really happened through all of her gossipy friends? And aren't they supposed to be like thisclose because they're twins? SVH books always leave me with so many questions.

We end with more crap about Tricia "boring" Martin, and the equally-boring Steven. Tricia is being cold towards him and he's agonizing over it. Jessica, as usual, rags on him about dating a girl from one of "the worst families in town". Way to kick him when he's down, Jess. There's more to this story, (unfortunately), as we will see in #12 When Love Dies