Head Over Heels #18

Bruce is dressed like a grandpa, but he's still pretty hot on this cover, as far as cover drawings go. Regina is cute, but not nearly as amazingly gorgeous as they say she is in the books. But I should expect that by now.
Regina is falling for Bruce hard (you might even say she's "head over heels") and just about all of SVH doesn't approve, because Bruce is a well..a douche.

Todd expresses his concern about this relationship to Liz in a insanely a dorky way:
"I hope the Beast doesn't break the Beauty's heart"
Oh please, as if you and Elizabeth have such a solid thing going.

Lila and Jessica even make a bet over Bruce and Regina. Jessica is sure they'll break up before two weeks, Lila thinks they'll stay together. They don't bet money, because Lila says that her dad thinks betting money is "vulgar". Hmm. Instead, they bet that whoever loses has to write both of their term papers for History class.

Regina's been offered an opportunity to go to Switzerland to get some mysterious, vague-ly described, treatment to cure her deafness. Oh I mentioned she was deaf and reads lips right? She doesn't want to go, because it means she'll be away from Sweet Valley (and Bruce!!!!) for a whole year.

Yes, a boy and friends that she's only known for like two books are much more important then being able to hear. Well, that's sixteen-year-old girl logic for you. Her family is totally frustrated and desperate to get her to go, and because Elizabeth is such a good friend of Regina's (...except Regina and Liz hardly spend any time together at all) Regina's mom Skye confides in her about the whole Switzerland deal. Why do all adults feel they can confide in Liz? Elizabeth agrees Regina has to go ,and promises she'll try to find some way to convince her.

Surprisingly, the family doesn't just rely on Liz to convince Regina. They bring in someone who used to be deaf, and can now hear because of the treatment. His name is Donald Essex, and the family hopes he can get her to agree to the treatments. Regina, on the other hand, is sure her parents will get over this whole not being-deaf-anymore-operation thing soon.

While all of this is going on, Jessica is scheming to break Bruce and Regina up so she's not stuck writing two term papers. (The bet with Lila, remember? Good.) She starts by trying to call Regina. Yes, Jessica attempts to call a deaf person. Guess I can't laugh too much since I'd probably do something just like that.

Jessica knows Bruce is running for some Citizen of the year/student committee crap against Ken Matthews, and decides he's probably dating Regina just to look good so he wins. She manages to plant the seeds of doubt in Regina's head, which works because Bruce never told Regina he was even running. He had wanted to make it a surprise for her, or something like that.

Bruce and Regina get in a big  typical SVH couple's fight and break up for like a whole 3 days. Regina agrees to go to Switzerland since things with Bruce are over. Bruce runs to Elizabeth (OF COURSE) and asks why Regina broke up with him/how to get her back. Once Liz explains the whole Switzerland thing to him, Bruce actually cries.

He does something else totally uncharacteristic and self-less, leaving her a note in her suitcase explaining everything and saying he'll wait for her while she's gone. She finds it on the plane to Switzerland and everything is okay now. And yeah, I'm a little jealous. I mean seriously, where's my romantic letter from Bruce Patman?

Other stuff: There's a carnival coming up to raise money for handicapped kids, and of course Elizabeth and the usual suspects (Olivia, Enid , Todd, etc.) are on the committee to help. Carnival goes as planned and isn't very exciting to read about.

Donald Essex meets Jessica when she goes to poison Regina against Bruce, and she mega-flirts with him. He then sees Liz and Todd later, and acts all familiar and flirty around Liz, totally pissing Todd off and confusing Elizabeth. If either of them had a brain, they might remember that Liz has a flirty twin who very possibly could have already met Donald. Instead they get in yet another Liz and Todd Fight. But don't worry they make up. As if you didn't know.

Since Lila loses the bet (even though Regina and Bruce do technically reunite) she's the one stuck writing both papers. Predictably, she gets a B- on her own paper, and a D on Jessica's. Pretty dumb to trust Lila Fowler to write a good paper for you after losing a bet. You should know more then anyone Jessica! Now Jess may not pass History. Gasp!

And last but not least, Lila meets a sexy, intriguing construction worker while going to see her father at his new building. She decides that he's not just some average blue-collar guy, because he seems soooo classy and different! Yeah he's different, but not in a good way. Stay Tuned for our next thrilling story, Showdown.

Moral? I guess the moral is that even super douches like Bruce Patman can change. All they need is a pretty deaf girl to help them change!

Rags to Riches #16

Roger looks asian here, and nothing like his last cover. Guess getting rich really does change you. Jessica looks appropriately evil, as usual, and that shirt is really not flattering.
So, Roger is now super-rich, in case you haven't caught that. When his mom died, it was revealed that his real dad is Paul Patman, Bruce's uncle who died in a plane crash. Paul was "seeing" Roger's mom behind his wife's back, and was planning to divorce his wife and marry her. Before he could do that he died, but he left a huge amount of cash to his then-unborn son.

Roger moves into the Patman's estate, and is thrown into the world of rich people, which apparently includes dressing up for dinners at home, and being super stuck-up at all times. Oh, and using 3000 different kinds of utensils. Poor old Rog isn't doing such a great job at this whole rich thing, and it probably doesn't help that his girlfriend, Olivia Davidson, has started acting even more insecure and emotional then normal.

Now that he's rich, Jessica is all hot for Roger. Who would've thought? There is a random barbeque at the Patman mansion and the whole freakin school is there, like at every party. During the BBQ, Jessica sucks up hardcore to Mrs. Patman. Mrs P makes it pretty clear she'd like Jessica to replace Olivia as Roger's date to an upcoming country club party.

It has to be said that Bruce's mom is just a horrible throughout this book. She refers to Roger's award-winning running as a "dreadful habit", and when he spills a few drops of wine on her at dinner, she loses her mind. It's all pretty clear now why Bruce acts like such an douche nozzle. His mother's attitude may also explain why he treats most girls he dates like crap. Hmmm.

But enough analyzing Bruce. In the sub-plot,  Regina has been acting kinda weird lately. Some of the girls have seen her hanging out with 'gasp' an older man! This, of course, starts a ton of stupid rumors about Regina dating an old man. Because he couldn't possibly be a family member or something.
Todd and Elizabeth go spy on her to find out what's going on for themselves, instead of just asking her. Even thought they're supposed to be her close friends. Okay.

There's a few more awkward encounters and sightings of Regina and her mystery old man, and more rumors crop up. Regina confides in-who else- Elizabeth, telling her that the older guy is a modeling agent and she's going to be on the cover of popular magazine Ingenue. For reasons I can't understand, this is treated like a huge secret. Lila finds out about the cover while on her own little spy-on-Regina mission, and swears she'll steal that cover.

This is so stupid because why would the magazine trash their already-shot cover to shoot some random chick? If they liked Lila so much, she would get an future magazine cover, not Regina's.
Just sayin....

Lila's plan fails and after listening to Mr. Important Agent gush about Regina, she's told that her face would look flat in photos and modeling isn't for her. Ouch.

Jessica starts in on her operation-destroy-Olivia plan, although she doesn't have to do much, since Olivia is great at making herself look bad already. All she really does is drop some hints about how the Patman's and Olivia just don't mix (true), Liv and Roger are growing apart, etc. Olivia is so insecure that that's all it takes to make her start second-guessing their relationship.

Elizabeth can't seem to figure out why Jessica is suddenly BFF with Olivia, even though it should be pretty obvious .Um, why would Jessica suddenly want to spend time with Olivia of all people? She's clearly never liked the girl. Her dislike for Olivia is even more obvious when Liz says she saw Liv downtown looking really bad (meaning depressed), and Jessica's reaction is to exclaim, "oh no what was she wearing now?!" Hint, hint Liz, Jessica is not hanging out with Olivia for altruistic purposes. Come to think of it, Jess doesn't do anything for altruistic reasons.

Olivia just keeps getting more insecure and clumsy, and finally she and Roger get into the Big Fight. Roger asks Jessica to be his date, after she convinces him that Olivia was just going to dump him right before the party so he'd be left without a date, because she's jealous of his money. To me, this sounds nothing like Olivia. Roger briefly thinks the same thing, but then decides to believe Jessica over his girlfriend.

Well no wonder Jessica manipulates and lies so much, seems like everyone in Sweet Valley is so naive that they'll believe anything! Roger finally gets the picture right before the party, when he overhears Mrs. Patman talking on the phone about how Jessica got rid of Olivia for her. He goes to the place everyone goes when they need help, the Wakefield house. He tells the twins about how he wants Olivia back. When Liz sees Jessica's obvious annoyance about this, she's all like oohh maybe Jessica wasn't really helping Olivia... Yeah... DUH!!!!!!

Roger and Elizabeth rush off to Olivia's, while Jessica stays at home and finds another date in under five minutes.
Rog and Liv have their little we're-back-together moment, (I'll spare you the details), and the Patman's grudgingly accept Olivia... kind of. Everyone oohs and ahhs over Regina's magazine cover at the party, and Caroline shows off old-timey sounding love letters from her new man Adam (why is Caroline invited to this party?) More about those love letters, and Caroline here.

Olivia's outfits; I just had to throw in some outfit descriptions since Liv may have the most random "style" in SVH. No wonder the Patman's didn't approve!

"Oversized army pants, sandals, and a bright-yellow T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Her usual bandana was twisted into a thin band around her forehead"

"The dress didn't have much shape to it, though it was certainly long enough. Olivia had designed a deep neckline that plunged in a vee, and had made a soft, gathered sash to cover the waistline. It wouldn't be half-bad as a bathing suit cover up. But to wear to the biggest party of the season?"
*side note-don't you love how every party/dance is the "biggest" of the year/season/month/week/decade?

"Her brown curls were held back by a silver-and-gold braided rope, and she was wearing a loose, man-sized cotton shirt belted over a flowered skirt."

Ahh Olivia. A true free spirit. I gotta admit I like her, despite my complaining. At least she's got some personality that's not totally sociopath-like, (talking to you, Jessica) or condescending (That'd be you, Liz!).

Moral of the story? If you get rich, stay with your hippie girlfriend and don't let an evil blonde manipulate you. That's pretty much all I got.

Dear Sister #7

I like this cover, except Jessica doesn't look that super upset to me. But it's a good picture and Jessica looks way better then she does on many of the other covers.
Well, the ghostwriter sure doesn't keep us in suspense long.Elizabeth awakes from her coma after 12 pages, and is strangely concerned about her outfit and how she looks, rather then the fact that she just woke up from a coma. Jess is a little thrown off when Liz starts flirting with the doctor, and ignores her boyfriend Todd, but convinces herself that Liz is just a little shaken up from the accident.

Now the fun part starts! Jessica and Elizabeth basically switch places. Liz turns into mega-tease, dropping Todd, and going after every boy that breathes. They have a party for Elizabeth's homecoming, and Liz actually suggests that they just invite guys and forget about all the girls. I guess waking up from that coma made her a bit boy-crazy?

They have the party (girls included), and Jessica gets stuck with all the grunt work, replacing food and watching Liz flirt with everything in the room. Todd is humiliated by Liz at this party, watching her hang all over every guy except him.

Jessica takes on Elizabeth's dootmat role, and ends up cleaning up after the party by herself because Liz suddenly got a "headache" and had to go upstairs. It finally starts to click for Jessica that Elizabeth is acting just like Jess usually acts.
"If she's Jessica," she agonized "then who am I?"
Well we definitely can't have two Jessicas! I don't think anyone wants that.

Jessica keeps Elizabeth's irrational behavior to herself and doesn't tell her parents, which is pretty dumb, since this is obviously some kind of medical side affect from the accident, and Liz could probably use some medical attention.

The ever responsible Wakefield parents volunteer to watch their friends, the Percys, kids, a set of 12 year old twins (how nice, more twins!), and then leave Jess and Liz alone with the twins to go play bridge (ooh those partiers!).

Elizabeth and Jessica both have dates, but agree they'll figure out something because someone needs to be home with the Percy twins. Liz slips out and leaves Jessica alone-therefore stuck with the twins. Jessica is super pissed because she had a date with Danny Stauffer, and the front seat in Danny's car slides back AND reclines! No really, that is actually what she told Liz, I couldn't make this up.

So Jess is forced to drag the Percy twins along with her and Danny (I'm not sure why she didn't just cancel the date?), and of course it doesn't go so well. As Jessica tells her parents when they get home,
"Danny couldn't talk to me. I couldn't talk to him. It was the worst date of my entire life"
I'd have to disagree there Jess. Your date in All Night Long with Scott  was much, much worse. And since when does she talk much on her dates?

She's mad at Liz, but quickly forgives her since she's now the doormat of the Wakefield family. Elizabeth continues to act like a cat in heat, and poor Todd is confused and has no idea what her problem is.

Everyone pretty much leaves the care of the Percy twins to Jessica, since she's now the responsible twin, and she ends up having to shuttle them around all day. She then gets a ticket, gets into a fender bender, and catches Danny with another girl at the beach!

But maybe things will get better for Jessica, because Lila has a fabulous party coming up!It's a costume party mixed with a "pick-up party", so everyone comes dressed up in a costume and....flirts with eachother. The book describes it like this:

"A lot of girls at Sweet Valley High who thought they were going steady found themselves without boyfriends after one of Lila's pick-up bashes, and a lot of girls who wanted to get rid of guys did it that night"
Nice.

Lila's pick-up parties are another thing you never hear about again after this book, unfortunately. I would have liked to see more of those parties! Liz flirts like a crazy women, and all the girls start to get irritated with her for getting all over every guy. Funny, a lot of those girls don't complain much when Jessica does it.

Liz starts dancing with Bruce Patman of all people, and suddenly decides she sooo into him.They go on a little drive to Bruce's father's club and park. Bruce feeds her alcohol like the gentleman he is, and promises Liz ,while kissing her neck, "I'll take care of more then your neck" Ooh Bruce you know just how to turn a girl on.

Todd arrives just in the nick of time and punches Bruce out, then throws Liz's drunk ass into his car to go home. Liz calls him a "party pooper" and passes out. Hehe.

Surfer Bill Chase has suddenly decided he's in love with Elizabeth, (boy they really toss the word "love" around don't they?),  and gets Todd's permission to ask her out (poor Todd!). She says yes, and proceeds makes a date with Bruce soon after forgetting all about her date with Bill. She runs off with Bruce, and Jessica greets Bill at the door and decides to pretend to be Elizabeth, because "why not?" Okay...

Bruce and Liz end up at Bruce's fabulous mansion, where Bruce tells her
"Let's go upstairs, I'll show you what love is all about:"
Like I said, they really throw the word "love" around in  Sweet Valley.

In the meantime, Jessica is out with Bill, and decides this is her opportunity to get revenge on Bill, because he had the nerve to turn her down when she asked him out a little while ago. The absolute nerve of him! She's going to make him fall in love with her. Even though she's posing as her sister, who he's already "in love" with. Seems like a solid plan.

Back to Liz and Bruce. Bruce leaves the room, and Elizabeth trips and hits her head, suddenly snaps out of her Jessica-phase, and has no idea where she is or how she got there. This is no fun for Bruce, because when he gets back she's flipping out and demanding to leave. Bruce is so not having that!
"Oh no, you don't. You're going to give me what I want, what you promised"
What can I say? The man takes a promise seriously.

When Bruce tries forcing her, Liz bites him, (and it's kind of awesome), and Bruce is "whimpering and in no mood to cause any more trouble". Elizabeth tells him off
"Is that what all your big love stories are about, Patman? Taking advantage of girls who either don't know what they're doing, or are too drunk to care?"
Yup, you got it Liz!

Liz runs out of the house and finds Todd, and they have a touching reunion. All of Elizabeth's previous behavior is long forgotten and everythings perfect in Todd and Liz world again.

Surprisingly, Jessica's plan to make Bill fall in love with her works. She asks him if he loves her and what's so special about her, (he still thinks she's Liz), and after he answers her she informs him:
"Then you do love Jessica Wakefield, Bill, because that's who I am!"
Yeah..

Next book up is Heartbreaker, where we will be treated to more of the Jessica and Bill love saga.

Power Play #4

Jessica and Liz look pretty good on this cover, although I don't get why their hair is nearly see through. I thought it was "golden blonde"?

 Robin Wilson is fat. The book will make sure you never forget that, because Robin eats like allllll the time. Don't all chunky people carry candy bars in their purse and scarf down whole cheesecakes when they're excited?
Robin has this crazy delusion that Jessica is her BFF, when it couldn't be more clear that Jess is using her. Because overweight people can't possibly have self esteem!

In the last book, Elizabeth promises to nominate Robin for a spot in Pi Beta. Even though Jessica originally promised to do it, we all know Jess doesn't want a fat girl in her sorority. (Jessica is president of the sorority, by the way. Huge surprise.)

Jessica is furious when she finds out Liz wants "that tub of lard", as she so eloquently describes Robin, in PBA.
"one look at that shape and they'll be calling us the Pi Butterball Alphas!"
Clever.

At the next PBA meeting, Liz nominates Robin as promised, and of course Jess is ultra pissed. She even calls Elizabeth "Little miss do-a-good-deed-every-day!" Oohh BURN!
The reaction to Robin's nom by the other PBA members?
"Robin Wilson? She's..that pudgy one right?"
"Liz put her name up, so she must think it's ok"
"You're sure she's not kidding?"

Yeah, Robin isn't so welcome. But no one says anything against Elizabeth- duuhhhh she's a Wakefield twin! I don't really get why Jess, the PRESIDENT of the damn sorority, couldn't just refuse Robin entry. The only reason the book gives is that Liz will be mad, and Robin would find out and not serve as Jessica's "handmaiden" anymore.

Pretty weak excuses. Are we really supposed to believe that Jessica needs someone to run her errands so badly that she would let someone like Robin in her precious sorority? It wasn't like she even likes Robin or cares about her feelings. And would Jessica care that much about Liz being a little pissed? I doubt it. Elizabeth would forgive her in less then 2 minutes and we all know it.

So they let Robin in on the good (?) news about her nomination. Robin reacts by offering them all kinds of delicious sounding food and eating a whole cheesecake as previously mentioned. I know if I were a PBA member, I'd vote her in just so we could go to her house and eat! Some parts of this book make me really hungry.

Jessica is not going to stand for any of this. She and her friends give Robin some humiliating and tough pledge duties. Like forcing her to run around the school track for a week (not such a bad idea, actually), and making her wear a teeny bikini on the beach and play volleyball while Bruce Patman makes fun of her. Robin is a spineless wimp and goes with all of it.

But then they give her the last pledge challenge.....
Ask out super hunk and major jerk Bruce Patman, and get him to take her to the upcoming dance!
Robin is devastated, knowing Bruce would never go out with her in a million years.

"I might as well ask Elvis Presley!"
"Robin." Elizabeth reminded her gently, "Elvis has been dead for-"
"That's just my point"
So condescending Liz! Obviously, Robin knows Elvis is dead!

Elizabeth makes a deal with Bruce to take Robin to the dance. She writes a newspaper article stroking Bruce's ego and he goes to the dance with "Fatso Wilson" (one of his many pet names for Robin).

Robin is thrilled! This is short-lived, however, since Bruce announces this at the dance:
"Ok that's it, I brought you to the dance, Tubby. I've got better things to do now. Anybody wanna steer the Queen Mary around the floor tonight? She's all yours!"

I always thought this would be THE most embarrassing thing ever at a dance! I felt so bad for Robin, he could have at least just ignored her once they got there if he couldn't stand her fatness that much.

Jessica is of course happy to witness this , as she was beyond pissed when she heard Robin actually managed to get Bruce to take her.
Technically Robin did get Bruce to take her to the dance, so that last pledge duty is fulfilled. But wait, the PBA members still have to do the official vote. Usually this vote is just a pretense, once you finish the pledge tasks you're in. We all know it won't be quite that easy for poor Robin though....

They vote by dropping black or white balls in a box for each pledge. White for yes and black for no. It only takes one blackball to keep the pledge out (What kind of vote is that? ONE anonymous vote can keep a girl everyone else approved out? K.)

This is nice and convenient for the plot line, because guess what happens, Robin gets blackballed!!!

Wonder who did it. Any ideas? Jess is practically tripping over herself to go break the news to Robin, and Elizabeth comes along to "pick up the pieces", as only Elizabeth can.

Robin is crushed, but good old Jessica re-assures her,
"I know you feel that it leaves you out of everything worth having on Sweet Valley High, but I'll still be your best friend"
Liz actually tells her to shut up after that. Finally! Robin flips out and says there's "no reason for her to go on anymore"
Yes, without high school sororities and a size six figure, what reason is there to go on?

Elizabeth feels kinda guilty about this whole thing, (If I were her I'd direct that guilt to Jess, since she's the one who started this crap) To ease her conscience, she writes a scathing article in the school paper bashing the Pi Betas and their exclusiveness. Isn't she a member? Whatever..  

The whole school reads "Snobbery is Alive and Well at Sweet Valley High", and it's a smashing success and huge blow to the PBA members. Since when do students care that much about the school paper?

Robin returns to school after a break, and her tent dresses that she wears throughout the book, (what's a tent dress? A mu-mu? Guess this was before Lane Bryant and Torrid), are starting to get looser! Liz tries to talk to her, but Robin is understandably cold and unreceptive at first.

Liz notices robin's plate, "usually heaped with french fries and double burgers, now held only lettuce leaves, two tomato slices, and a hard boiled egg"
Geez one extreme to another, huh Robin? From wayy too much food to practically starving. Sounds healthy.

After about a week or two of starving and running around the track, Robin is dropping weight like crazy. She becomes thin enough for SVH in lightning speed. Since she's thin now, she's automatically gets on the cheer squad and becomes co-captain. Because losing weight will teach you all the fundamentals of cheerleading and dance. Alright.

Next, new thin, confident Robin runs against Jessica to be Miss Sweet Valley High. Wait, wasn't Jessica JUST crowned queen of something else one book ago? At least in this case, Robin wins, thanks to supporters like the defensive line of the SVH football team, who parade through the auditorioum with a sign
"Robin Has Us Throbbin'!"
Really? No words for that one.

Robin also puts up signs telling the whole school thtat the Pi Betas blackballed her, and have forbidden any non-member from running for Miss Sweet Valley High. This is a lie, (not the blackballing, but they never forbid a non-member from running in the election), not that PBA doesn't deserve the bad publicity. Robin  sounds like she might make a good politician.

I also need to add that Jess and Robin are the only ones running. No one else wanted to be Queen? Only two contestants? Guess all the other girls knew that sociopath Jessica was running, and didn't want her unleashing her fury on them for running against her. I wouldn't want to run against that psycho. Robin is a brave girl.

By the way, Jessica thought she would win because she's dated the whole first string of players on the Gladiators. Seriously though. As she tells Liz,
"Well I do it for team spirit. And everyone of them appreciates it too!"
I'm sure they do Jessica.

Anyways, everything gets wrapped up nicely, Robin rejects Bruce Patman, (who is super into the new thin sexy Robin), publicly after being named Queen, and picks Allan Walters to escort her because he was nice to her when she was fat. She and Allan fall in LUV and blah blah blah.

And of course there is a sub-plot! Lila is a poor little rich girl who's dad won't give her the attention she needs. She resorts to stealing from a store in the mall, and giving Jessica the stuff she steals as "gifts" saying it's stuff some random Aunt sent her that she doesn't want. The store notices a high volume of missing stuff, and they blame Jessica and arrest her.

Elizabeth swoops in to save the day, having seen Lila shoplifting earlier (surprised?). They let Jessica go, and Lila ends up in court, finally getting some short-lived attention from her dad. Even though it's clear her dad is going to go right back to ignoring her, (and he does for most of upcoming books), Lila's shoplifting problem never comes up again.

The book ends telling us about Scott Daniels, the alluring older college guy Jessica met at the beach when she was sketching (sketching? Since when is Jessica an artist? This is never mentioned again ). Elizabeth already doesn't like the sound of him, but Jessica is all hot for him because he's in college. And according to Jess, college kids, "understand life and art" . LOL

Playing with Fire #3

Jessica looks good on this cover, even though Bruce Patman has a choke hold on her. You gotta love Bruce's stylish way of tying his sweater around his neck. Was this just a rich 80's douche thing?
As you might have guessed, Jessica has finally gotten the privilege of dating Mr. Porsche himself, Bruce Patman.
Jess is so head over heels for Bruce that she pretty much becomes Bruce's lapdog. It actually gets to the point where she's doing his errands and sitting by the phone all night just in case he calls. He's got her whipped!

There's one point where Todd tells Elizabeth he's heard Bruce is getting "whatever he wants" from her sister. I always wondered exactly what that meant. Maybe a handjob at the most, since the Wakefield twins are virgins up until SVU.

Bruce is being a super douche, ordering Jess around and canceling plans on her. He also gets her to agree to steal a test for him, but she enlists Emily, the drummer from local band the Droids, and fat insecure Robin Wilson to do the dirty work for her.
Emily, like the rest of the school, decides to run to Liz and confess about the cheating. Liz hits the nail on the head when she asks
"Why are you telling me, Emily?"

Good point! Why do people that barely know Liz tell her their deepest secrets and seek advice from her? Oh, because she's the responsible twin that pulls her hair back with barrettes. That's right.

Throughout the book we see poor, overweight Robin Wilson desperately trying to fit in among all the perfect size sixes and following Jessica around like an over excited puppy. Jess might be Bruce's doormat in this book, but hey, at least she still has Robin to be her doormat!

Elizabeth feels bad for Robin and invites her along to a club where the Droids are playing . But oops, she invited Winston too! This is not so good because Jess has already tried to pawn Robin off on Winston (he inexplicably has it bad for Jess, who treats him like crap).

Winston, constantly described as a super dork, apparently is not into BBWs (that's "Big Beautiful Women for those not in the know) He explains to Liz:
"I get nervous around people who eat all the time"
  Huh?
 Ok then, nice excuse for not dating the fat chick, Win.

They end up going anyway, and The Droids play at some run-down club. Soon after, the band finds out that what they thought was going to be a big break with a real band manager was just a scam. Turns out the manager just reaallllly wanted to do the hot 16 year-old lead singer Dana Larson and had no real intention of getting the band to the big time at all. To catch a predator, anyone? Where's Chris Hansen when you need him?

In other news, Bruce is still treating Jessica like a slave. Great quote right here:

"Tell me baby, who would you rather be with? Me, or a bunch of chicks with fat thighs jumping around on short skirts?"

Bruce, explaining to Jessica that cheerleading is a waste of her time and he's number 1. What a charmer!

Elizabeth hates the way Bruce is toying with her sister, (did she ever stop to think that Jess might deserve it just a teeny bit? After all the hearts she's broken? That's kinda what I thought..), she describes him to Todd as "an evil wizard, out to twist her into whatever he wants"

Do any teens use descriptions like "evil wizard" ? You know these books kinda screwed me up for high school. I was actually expecting high schoolers to all talk and act like SVH. Big disappointment.

Elizabeth does her usual snooping around and finds out that Bruce is cheating on Jessica! BIG shocker. Once she finds this out, she's had enough! Time for Liz to play captain save-a-ho (get used to it, it's gonna happen a LOT in this series)

When the whole gang is at Guido's pizza place for Bruce's 18th b-day, (after a lavish mansion party where he ignores Jessica the whole time), Bruce starts to tell Jess he has to go visit his "sick grandma" and he should probably take her home.

Sensing that he's full of it, Liz drags Jessica out of the pizza parlor to get a ride home with her and Todd. After some driving around Liz pretends to forget something so they have to go back..and what do you know? Bruce is still at Guido's-with another chick!

Jessica proceeds to pour soda all over Bruce's head and throw a pizza in his face after telling him off. I remember thinking that was totally bad ass when I was a kid, now I would've preferred if she kicked him in the nuts. Or maybe punched him? But maybe I'm being just a little violent.

The book ends with Jessica getting her pride back, and Robin Wilson telling Elizabeth that Jessica promised to nominate her to get into exclusive sorority Pi Beta. That's just cruel Jess! Why even tell her that? You know you would never let a non-size six into Pi Beta! Good old Liz promises to nominate Robin for PBA, because she knows Jessica never will, and this sets the stage for the drama of the next book, Power Play.